10.02.2013

Numb.

I'm supposed to be excited right now. The first order of books to be sold at the early release party for Everyone Deserves To Know What I Think arrived yesterday. It was awesome to post a picture of an open case to Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and see peoples' likes and responses. 

I'm not excited. I was a little yesterday when they arrived... But right now, all I can think about is the fact that on Monday morning, someone else in my life I put my trust in hurt me very badly and I had to cut them out of my life.

And the fact that I don't have any money to fix the back windows in my truck that were busted out for the second time in two months, much less pay rent, because my only source of income is frozen in Paypal due to a fraud claim on a missing autographed jersey signed by Wayne Gretzky and the 1998 New York Rangers team (which was a wedding present from my ex-wife, and I couldn't bear to look at it anymore) which basically disappeared from the eBay holding facility in Erlanger, KY and both the buyer and I are screwed. 

And the fact that my cat of 15 years, Mew, is at the vet tonight under observation because she's lost a lot of weight lately and they think her liver is failing. Of course, I wasn't able to see this happen, because she and her brother MewToo have been living at a very loving and wonderful foster home provided by my friends Laura and Randy since I don't have any room in the tiny place I'm living, since I lost my house to foreclosure due to losing my company (and thus my job) due to the divorce from my wife of ten years and best friend of fourteen for reasons I'll never ever be able to write about. And Mew will be the fourth long-time pet I've lost this year. And I'm not sure how the hell I'm going to pay the vet bill. 

I'm so burnt that my nerves have been cauterized at this point. What should be "Oh my God, this is awful, what will I do now?" has become "Well... Tuesday sucked, what's Wednesday got in store for me?" 

I'm numb to it at this point. And that's worse than hurting. It's a coping mechanism you can't control. It's not like disappearing into video games or the bottle or Tahiti. It just turns on, and all you can do is shrug. There's no more perspective, just reaction and soldiering through. 

I've been numb in the past. And from experience, I know that the worst part is that numbness is temporary. It only gets you through the immediate future. It's like going into shock when you break a bone. The pain is on its way... Not right now, but it's coming. And I know it is. 

And when it shows up, all of the tools I have in my emotional toolbox will be put to use, and like everything else this year, I'll get through it. I'll attempt to learn whatever lessons there are for me in these events, and I'll make the best of things. 

But for right now, my entire body tingles lightly with the sensation of feeling no sensation whatsoever. And that scares me. Because I should be excited right now. And I should be sad right now. And I should be angry, and elated, and fiery with vengeance, and overwhelmed with grief... 

But for now, I'm numb.