The Only Moments You Know You're Alive
You're in the moment.
You're right here, right now.
Your eyes may be wide open, surveying all before them. Or, they may be slammed shut, and whatever's happening outside is playing like a movie on a projector, shooting through smoky light the events life on the backs of your eyelids. You may be afraid. You may be happy. But you're here. Now.
You're no longer thinking.
You're not processing and responding.
You are alive.
You move with agility you never knew you had -- and you don't even realize you're doing it, because you're not thinking about it. Everything you say comes straight from the heart, bypassing the brain and exiting the mouth before any filters dilute the message. Every action ends with a punctuation reserved for only the most important of statements, both expressed and spoken.
You are scared out of your mind. You are happy to the point of full release. You don't just feel the air rushing into your lungs, you feel the life that the air you breathe gives you. You feel it coursing through your veins as each blood cell rushes, as fast as it can, the oxygen you're drawing in to the furnaces it fuels to make you do what you're doing right now. You can feel every single artery contract and release, pushing this life through you. You can feel every vein drawing out the impurities, making room for more fire. You exhale and it almost screams.
That moment -- that period between thoughts, whether it be minutes or seconds or even nanoseconds -- that moment is when you know you're truly alive.
This is not a dream.
This is not a fabrication.
You're feeling what you feel. You're doing what you're doing. There is no time for regret. There is no time for planning. There is only time for being exactly who you are, exactly how you are.
It is a shame, then, that we often only know these moments in hindsight. Looking back on them, whether they just happened or they were years ago, we realize we were not merely living; we were alive. And it's also a shame that more often than not, we treat these moments like mistakes.
These moments are NOT mistakes. These moments are quite possibly the only moments in your life you're not making a mistake. You're living true. You're living honest. You're ALIVE.
Trust THESE moments to tell you who you are. Not the rationalizations ex-post-facto. Not the second guessing. Not other peoples' opinions on what happened. Look at the moment. Look at how you acted.
That. THAT. Is who you are.
The moments you know you're not merely living, you are alive... These moments are the only ones that matter. Everything else is just a response. It's spin. Your brain will get in the way and try to run interference. Don't let it. Don't allow it to attach definitions and explanations and rationalizations. Trust these moments.
Hide from them, and you'll continually regret the moments your brain turns off and your body takes over and does whatever it does when you're truly alive. If you dismiss them, you won't be able to live through them. You'll continually feel regret and pain and hostility toward yourself. You won't be able to use them as tools to know who you are at your core. And that will lead to a life filled with disaster. Pain. Shame.
Embrace them, and you will find yourself. You will know yourself. You will know that, at your core, beyond the voices whispering yes's and no's into your mind's ear, who you really are. You will begin to see the framework that makes you. You can then trust it. You can release, slowly, the contrary thoughts and rationalizations and second guessing.
And when you lose yourself in the moment and wake up from it, whatever took place... It was you on display. The real you. The you you've come to know and to trust to be you.
And you have nothing -- NOTHING -- to be ashamed of.