4.17.2012

The Origin And History Of Iced Coffee

You know, it's strange. Even Wikipedia doesn't know the origin and history of iced coffee. But I do.

One day, there were two very bored extremely rich marketing executives sitting in an office, spinning around in their chairs and throwing thousand-dollar pens into the ceiling to see if they'd stick.

"What do you want to do today?" said one.

"I dunno, man," said the other.

Now, these two guys have been friends since grade school. In second grade, they both went to the principle's office for taping a "kick me" sign on the teacher. In sixth grade, they were put in detention for selling "pool passes" to a pool that didn't exist for, as it just so happened, the exact amount that lunch cost. In eighth grade, they were suspended from school for selling candy from their lockers between classes for an extreme markup, and again in tenth grade for selling porn the same way.

And now, they're sitting in a corner office on the 47th floor of a Madison Ave. marketing agency, bored out of their minds.

One sighed.

"Yeah," the other said. "I think I'm out of ideas."

"It's hard, man," the first said. "We've already gotten morons the world over to buy stuff that is absolutely asinine and made them convince themselves it's 'cool' -- Uggs, Crocs, capri pants..."

"We put glittery Victoria's Secret angel wings on the back of t-shirts and convinced small-dicked rednecks that it means they're MMA fighters--"

"That was GENIUS, my friend," the other said.

"Thank you," the first replied, taking a slight bow in his chair.

The two sat silent for a moment. All that could be heard was the sound of a light rapping of knuckles on the mahogany desk between them. With a sigh, the first one reached out and grabbed his coffee mug. He lifted it to his mouth and took a sip -- "UGH..." he said, squinting hard and gagging.

"Let it sit too long again?" said the second.

"Yeah," the first said. "Foul."

Suddenly, the second one sat bolt upright in his chair and said "Wait! I got it!"

"What?" the first asked.

"That!" the second exclaimed.

"...What?!?" the first queried.

The second placed his left elbow on the desk with his chin adopt his fist, and placed his right index finger in the air. With a slow tilt of the wrist, he pointed at the cold coffee mug. "That," he said lowly. "Right there."

"Cold coffee?" asked the first.

The second nodded with a grin. "We're going to convince an entire country not only to buy cold coffee, but that they actually think it tastes good."

"...You're serious?" asked the first. "We're going take an extremely bitter beverage, which only tastes good when it's hot and tastes like dog piss mixed with battery acid when it's cold, and convince people it's a good idea to drink it?"

"Not only that," the second said, "We're going to charge them four bucks a glass."

The first scratched his temple. "They'll look like fucking idiots," he said. "I LOVE it."

A few years later, they bought a small country with their earnings solely from selling people the single dumbest thing they could ever put in their mouths. And that, my friends, is how iced coffee was made.