3.08.2012

"First World Problems"

I just got back from the Apple Store, a modern First World retailer of modern First World technology. The store is situated in a well-to-do, modern First World mall in Atlanta, a modern First World city. While at the Apple Store, I bought a modern First World Thunderbolt-connected external hard drive. I was setting it up on a modern First World clip-on aluminum shelf that fastens to the back of my modern First World Apple Thunderbolt display, when I realized something very, very annoying. See if you can spot it:



It doesn't come with a Thunderbolt cable. It's a $500 Thunderbolt drive, and it doesn't come with a Thunderbolt cable. Not "accidentally left out" -- flat out not included. It's not listed in the box contents.

This annoyed me. So, I felt I would share this very frustrating fact on Facebook and Twitter. Now, I have no idea WHY it wasn't something I anticipated; I suppose my radar just isn't tuned in to "old played out cynical bullshit humor from two years ago", but I was frustrated to see people commenting on my frustration with the pathetic, overplayed statement expressing that my issue was a "First World Problem."

The term "First World Problem" bothers the shit out of me. Who gives a fuck what kind of problem it is? It's a problem, period point-blank. Am I supposed to be thankful that I have food and a roof over my head, and just sigh and go "This $500 drive is worthless now, but eh, what do you do?" and shrug my shoulders and whistle a tune while I thank the Lord Baby Jesus for writing the American Constitution with his own hands, providing me the chance to live in this, the land of opportunity?

Seriously, all of you, please read this slowly, because I want it sink in. And I mean really, really sink in. I want it to strike a chord within you to the point that you fully understand what I'm trying to convey:


Fuck. You. 


True, we have achieved a base level of expected comfort here in our First World. True, there are countries where children are starving and people don't live in nice homes and there are wars. 

None of that changes the fact that my drive didn't come with the very specific cable it needs to function. It's annoying. I vented. There's no need to remind me how lucky I am that I have food and water. I know these things -- I bought the fucking drive right after I had lunch and a beer. 

You're not clever when you say things like this. You're not even a dick. You're a douche. Dicks are people with the audacity to say something either inappropriately hilarious, or tell the truth in a time where truth isn't exactly welcome, just to irk the other person.

You? You're a douche, because douches are pathetic. You're not only trying to use cynicism to portray wisdom (which is always sad), you're doing it with 2+ year old humor. 

Relate to my situation or don't, but don't attempt to look clever and funny and above all things by reminding me how great I have it. I know exactly how fucking great I have it. I can afford a $500 Thunderbolt hard drive, connected to a computer that itself is connected to a massive worldwide network where I can broadcast, from the comfort of my air conditioned office, the fact that the $500 First World drive I just bought with my First World money for my First World computer DOESN'T FUCKING COME WITH THE FIRST WORLD CABLE IT NEEDS TO ACTUALLY FUNCTION.

I'm not even going to tell you to shut up. I don't want you to shut up. I actually like keeping count of just how many people I no longer need to bother with wondering if they're capable of higher thought and enjoyable conversation. I just wish you'd make stronger attempts at humor (or, at the very least, use humor from this year).