Our First Valentine's Day In 14 Years -- A How-To Guide For Being Utterly Pathetic

Andrea and I have never celebrated Valentine's Day. We abhor the concept of a marketing-driven pseudo holiday that essentially serves as almost every man's romantic Yom Kippur as they atone for an entire year of being stupid in affairs of the heart. Pass by any Red Lobster or flower shop on Valentine's Day and you'll see hordes of people whose idea of showing love is spending a night eating shitty food and giving consumable trinkets that possess absolutely no heart. It's pathetic.

And when you look at the Valentine's Day aisles of most stores, it gets even worse. The aisles are stocked with shitty candy and stuffed toys and other crap that says, in equal parts, "I love you" and "I think you're 11 years old." We love each other dearly and show each other every single day. And every year at Valentine's Day, we sigh and hang our heads over the millions of people whose idea of romance has been sold to them by Hallmark and Zales (but only for one day out of the year, mind you).

So, just to be an ass, I decided this year to be "romantic" and celebrate Valentine's Day for the first time ever. And to make it really special, I got my highly intelligent, fiercely independent, not-even-close-to domesticated wife just about every single thing you should never, EVER give a woman as a gift. The goal: to be as offensively cheesy and condescending as possible this Valentine's Day. Or, in other words, be a typical everyday pathetic sad clueless guy.

I started with what is essentially a billboard reading "I am the most pathetic guy on Earth" -- the retiredly oversized Valentine's Day card:

And of course, if you're going to muddy your idea of what's romantic with two-foot-high overpriced pieces of printed cardboard, you have to accompany it with the crappiest candy on the planet. Because hey, what woman doesn't want to further damage her self-image (which is already at an all-time low for being with a guy who thinks any of this crap is a good idea) by stuffing herself with chocolate and sugar?

Now, I can't just give frivolous gifts for this, the most romantic of days. I have to give some practical gifts as well. I wanted to make sure she knew I supported her gender-defined roles in our relationship. So I got her a sewing kit, to make darning my socks easier:

And a nice lunch kit, so she has something nice she can pack the sandwiches she better shut up and make me:

And I don't want her to strain herself trying to gather up all the clothes she has to wash for me, so I got her a nice laundry basket and hangers set. In her favorite color, even!

Now, once she's done the laundry, she needs to get my clothes as wrinkle-free as possible (considering I only own 90's rock band t-shirts and workout clothing, it's not that hard... But let's pretend I actually own nice clothes to keep the joke going). And this iron + steamer is the perfect solution!

And of course, she needs the ironing board to use it on (being held by buddy and assistant in all this nonsense, Jeremy): 

Since she's a girl, I thought she might like some pink sponges to do the dishes with. And since I don't want her to sully her clothing or her hands while doing all this domestic work, so I got her an apron and some gloves. 

Sometimes I think she doesn't clean the floors fast enough, and this thing is supposed to be lightweight and portable and whatever, I don't care. I just want the floors clean. I am a man. This is my castle. And if she wants me to spend all this money and an entire day being "romantic" she better keep the place clean:

I know that she's supposed to be barefoot when she does all this work, but I'm no monster, so I got her a pair of sandals:

And to tie it all together, I bought some fake rose pedals to sprinkle around the package. I figured she'd want to test out the new vacuum, and what better way than making a huge mess of the "romantic" gift I'm giving her:

So we put it all together, with the romantic heart tissue paper and romantic heart wrapping paper and a balloon in the shape of a monkey on a stick, wrapped and packaged by our friend Katie for optimal cheesiness:

And there you go. Our first, and very likely last, Valentine's Day in 14 years! And what post about Valentine's Day would be complete without a shittastic glittery animated heart piece of shit graphic:

The truth is, it all started with the Dyson. I saw it on TV during Christmas, turned to her, and said "I want that vacuum for Christmas." As the words were leaving my mouth, I realized that I had become old. No games, no toys... A fucking vacuum. And the funny thing is, she was thinking the exact same thing. But I couldn't get my wife a vacuum cleaner for Christmas... That's just wrong. "Merry Christmas, honey! Enjoy cleaning the floors!" So I thought Valentine's Day was the perfect chance to turn the entire holiday on its ear and get us stocked up on new cleaning crap we've needed.

Here's hoping your Valentine's Day is at the very least genuinely romantic. But more than that, I hope your mate isn't so fucking pathetic that they need a day on the calendar to remind them to treat you right by participating in this pink and red nightmare of a holiday.