And when you look at the Valentine's Day aisles of most stores, it gets even worse. The aisles are stocked with shitty candy and stuffed toys and other crap that says, in equal parts, "I love you" and "I think you're 11 years old." We love each other dearly and show each other every single day. And every year at Valentine's Day, we sigh and hang our heads over the millions of people whose idea of romance has been sold to them by Hallmark and Zales (but only for one day out of the year, mind you).
So, just to be an ass, I decided this year to be "romantic" and celebrate Valentine's Day for the first time ever. And to make it really special, I got my highly intelligent, fiercely independent, not-even-close-to domesticated wife just about every single thing you should never, EVER give a woman as a gift. The goal: to be as offensively cheesy and condescending as possible this Valentine's Day. Or, in other words, be a typical everyday pathetic sad clueless guy.
I started with what is essentially a billboard reading "I am the most pathetic guy on Earth" -- the retiredly oversized Valentine's Day card:
And of course, if you're going to muddy your idea of what's romantic with two-foot-high overpriced pieces of printed cardboard, you have to accompany it with the crappiest candy on the planet. Because hey, what woman doesn't want to further damage her self-image (which is already at an all-time low for being with a guy who thinks any of this crap is a good idea) by stuffing herself with chocolate and sugar?
And there you go. Our first, and very likely last, Valentine's Day in 14 years! And what post about Valentine's Day would be complete without a shittastic glittery animated heart piece of shit graphic:
The truth is, it all started with the Dyson. I saw it on TV during Christmas, turned to her, and said "I want that vacuum for Christmas." As the words were leaving my mouth, I realized that I had become old. No games, no toys... A fucking vacuum. And the funny thing is, she was thinking the exact same thing. But I couldn't get my wife a vacuum cleaner for Christmas... That's just wrong. "Merry Christmas, honey! Enjoy cleaning the floors!" So I thought Valentine's Day was the perfect chance to turn the entire holiday on its ear and get us stocked up on new cleaning crap we've needed.
Here's hoping your Valentine's Day is at the very least genuinely romantic. But more than that, I hope your mate isn't so fucking pathetic that they need a day on the calendar to remind them to treat you right by participating in this pink and red nightmare of a holiday.