Meet Asshole, The Three-Legged Dog (A Photo Essay)

I visited my parents today (which, as an endeavor itself, is probably worthy of its own photo essay, but not today) and when my father and I were leaving out to go do a little male bonding, I saw this dog laying in the middle of the street:

"Oh no..." I said aloud, "Someone hit a dog and left it in the street. Dad, we have to go check him out."

My father agreed, and we pulled up closer:

I wanted to maintain a little distance, so that cars driving up behind me would have plenty of opportunity to, you know... Not hit me. And just as I was getting ready to get out of the truck and walk up to him, Asshole the Three-Legged Dog surprised me (happily!) and raised his head:

"Good!" I exclaimed aloud. "But I wonder if he's hurt..." 

Just as I said that, Asshole sat up:

"Oh, what a relief," I said to my father. "He looks fine." 

"I bet he was just getting some sun and enjoying the warm asphalt," my dad opined. 

"That sounds like a lovely way to spend a Saturday," I agreed. 

We decided to venture forth to the hardware store (and other places guys go to share in the experience of being guys). I pulled forward, thinking Asshole The Three-Legged Dog would move:

He did not. 

In fact, he let us know exactly how he felt about the prospect of moving:

In fact, he sat there for the better part of two minutes, yawning and scoffing at us for daring to ruin his nap:

Finally, he got up and began hobbling over to the driveway of the house we assume he lived at, which is when we noticed he only had three legs:

As we pulled forward, my dad said "Oh, thats the three-legged dog I've heard about." 

"He must be famous," I said. 

"Oh, everyone in the neighborhood knows him," my father replied. 

As we passed, Asshole the Three-Legged Dog shot me a look that read almost explicitly like "You made me get up out of a perfectly warm street just so you could pass by? Why didn't you go around? You know what? Fuck you, buddy.":

He then turned and ignored me:

"Wow," I said, "What an asshole!"

He then flipped me off with his one back paw:

We went on to have lunch and buy power tools.

That's it. I hope you enjoyed the story of Asshole, the Three-Legged Dog.

Director's Commentary: 

The series of photos you just saw were from the SECOND time I saw Asshole The Three-Legged Dog laying in the street today. The first time, we were returning from grabbing lunch for my mother and the girls, and the sequence of events happened exactly as I narrated them above. It's hilarious to me that he did the exact same thing, the exact same way, twice in one day. I was hoping he'd do it a third time so I could get video.

Deleted Scenes:

1) The Head Raise Scene:

We kept this scene of Asshole lifting his head:

Because int he one below, the angle of his face didn't "read" for the camera very well. You will notice he is looking right at the camera, which is a big no-no in scene acting:

2) The Three-Legged Reveal

While this scene of Asshole with only three legs does fit the overall direction and theme of the story:

We opted for this one: 

...because you can clearly see in the scene above that Asshole was looking at the damn camera again. He's so unprofessional. But he's famous and no one else could play his role, so we put up with it. 

3) The Conversation: 

We struck this scene from the original story because the dialog wasn't quite working how we wanted it to, and in post-production, we really felt that the antagonist for our lead in the scene needed to be much more nefarious, scary and alien. We re-inserted it when we remastered the story. I think when you watch the comparison video below, you'll agree we made the right decision:

(Can't see the video? Click here)