9.24.2011

The Hardest Day Of Your Life...

...Will be the day you realize, for the first time ever, that someone else knows you better than you know yourself.

You will have faced a situation where you received advice and convinced yourself that advice is not only wrong, but the person (or persons) who gave it -- who are supposed to be your best friends or family or what-have-you -- obviously don't know you as well as you believed. And you do what you think is right and face down whatever it is you're facing down... And you lose.

And then, the situation comes up again, and you get the same advice. You begin that same dialog in your head, but you cannot deny one simple fact: they were right last time.

Your heart pounds and your teeth grind and you think "NO. I learned my lesson. This time -- THIS TIME -- I've got it. I'm in control. I can face that shit and own it." And you do.

And you lose. Again.

And then, the same situation comes up again. Different name, same face. And you realize you've got a blind spot. A weakness. And it's being exploited. Maybe it's a drug. Maybe it's a person. Maybe it's an activity. But you can't see just how not in control of yourself you are when it's in front of you. And you have to make a choice with this new information:

A) Do you admit to yourself that you've got a weakness; that you are indeed a human being with flaws that can be manipulated and exploited, and that your friends are right -- as wrong as you FEEL they are, you KNOW they're right -- and you listen to them, despite every voice in your head telling you you can handle it, OR...

B) Does your ego own you and you can't handle not being in control and you fuck up again?

And make no mistake, you have an ego. We all do. Ego is not arrogance. Ego is the voice in your head that convinces you you are right at all times, even when the "right" is self-depreciating. It's protecting you. It's inflating your worth to make you feel good. It's deflating you first so no one else can hurt you. It's lying to you to tell you you deserved to do whatever it is you just did that went wrong. It tells you it's everyone else's fault. And when it's in control, you're useless to society, because you're acting for your wants, not your needs.

So, if you choose B, and you choose B again and again and again... At some point, you either die miserable or choose A. And that day, your ego begins screaming at you.

"NO. They don't know you. YOU know you. You're strong."

"They are lying to you; you're not handsome. You're not smart. You're pathetic. They want something. Don't trust them."

"You can control yourself this time... You saw what happened last time; You know better. You need to see it. You need to face it. Go on in there and do it."

"Call her. Give her a piece of your mind. She can't treat you that way."

"He's cheating on you, you know it. He can't possibly love you, you don't even love you. Flee."

"It's just a drink. You're in control. Don't listen to them, they're trying to turn you into them."

"He can't talk to you that way -- kick his ass."

"She loves you. It's okay."

"She never loved you. It's okay."

"Do it."

And you grit your teeth and you shake your head and you say "NO." And you hand control over to someone else, because they're right and you're wrong. And it hurts like someone set fire to your blood. And it's for the best.

Because on that day -- however briefly or for the rest of your life -- you have achieved enlightenment.