I TOTALLY Want To Be A Santa Now

So, there I was, going through my emails sorting through who hates what I write and who kinda likes it and who has issues with stuff with projects I work on and whatever. And then there it was -- an email which changed my life forever, for those few minutes before I decided to write this blog post anyway.

As you can see from the subject, I want to be a Santa now. And the reason I want to be a Santa now is because of this offer I received from one Heather Madison, from Thumbtack (and what is Thumbtack? Why, it's the people who are going to make me a Santa!), offering to begin sending me tons and tons of clients for my newfound career!

(I've left the links in, but made them nofollow -- I don't want them to get any SEO crap from me, but I think it's worthwhile to all of you who want to become santas to have the links to this fantastic and, frankly, utterly AMAZING offer)

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: Are you a santa?
Date: Mon, 11 Jul 2011 10:08:19 -0700 (PDT)
From: Heather Madison
Reply-To: heather@thumbtack.com
To: [my email address which you should already know]

Hey there,

I'm reaching out to you because
Thumbtack is getting a lot of job leads for santas, and I'm looking for another santa who is interested in taking on more clients.

After checking out your website I think you are a great fit for Thumbtack and
I'd love to start sending you job leads. Please fill out a few details about your skills and rates, and I'll start forwarding you potential new clients.

If you have any questions about what Thumbtack can provide, please don't hesitate to ask.


Do you see??? DO YOU SEE how she bolded the part about how she'd love to start sending me job leads? I mean, this Santa thing is practically in the fucking bag here, folks! It's so in the bag, I could go on to make a Santa pun and say it's in a big red bag! And it's a present! TO ME!

Now, who are these clients that Heather from Thumbtack is going to send me? I'm not sure! Are they children? If so, that's creepy and I want no part of this horrific pedophilia ring! 

But if it's malls and shopping centers and backwoods Georgia holiday fairs, well color me red and call me Jolly! Because if there's one thing I love more than Chinese fast food from mall foodcourts, it's funnel cakes! 

FUNNEL CAKES, YOU GUYS! And probably for free, because hey, I'd be motherfucking SANTA. No one doesn't give Santa free shit, because they might end up on the bad list!

I'm totally going to be a Santa. I encourage all of you to do the same. Or you're on my naughty list. Unless you give me a funnel cake. In which case, well... I'll get you a toy from the series you want, but not the specific figure you asked for. So either be a Santa and get me a funnel cake, or you get Dial Tone and Ratchet instead of Snake Eyes and Optimus Prime. Capice?