4.12.2011

A Peek Into How My Brain Works

The following is a conversation with myself that's actively taking place, right now, in my own head. Let's listen in, shall we?

...But there's apparently a pattern--

Fuck a pattern, who cares? Just write what comes out.

But nothing's coming out, that's my point! I can't relax and just let stuff pour out of me like I have been.

Why not?

I told you why not.

Mike's comment yesterday? 

Yeah, and about a dozen other people. The pattern they see--

I told you already, fuck a pattern! Who gives a shit if they see a fucking pattern!

I give a shit! I don't want a pattern in my writing! I want to write stuff naturally--

It can't be a natural pattern?

...So you admit there's a pattern!

THERE IS NO PATTERN. You're writing what comes out! You're writing naturally! Isn't that what you want?

Well, yeah, that's what I want, but--

SO FUCKING WRITE!

I CAN'T!

*sigh* Fine. Break it down for me. What's the problem.

I've already DONE this for you.

Do it again.

What good will it--

DO. IT. AGAIN.

...Fine. Mike says lately he sees I've been digging into my past, being more introspective, writing more about feelings and whatnot. People have backed this up in the comments on Facebook and on Twitter and here, talking about how lately, they're seeing some softer, deeper side of me.

Are they?

I don't know... Maybe?

Is that a bad thing?

No, I guess not...

So what's the problem?

The problem is, I don't want to start some ridiculous trend where everything I write is perceived to have some deeper meaning beyond what just needs to come off my chest today. And I don't want everyone thinking that, because lately there's been posts that deal more with reflection and emotion and introspection, that if I come out of left field with something that just cracks me up or I find odd or makes me angry, that I'm trying to break out of some pattern.

Like the Wolf Knife thing?

Exactly! People have been emailing me all day saying that it felt like I went there just to bust out of some pattern!

There isn't a pattern, though...

I know that! You know that! But apparently they don't know that...

So what? They read this thing, they get what you give them. Give them what you want to give them.

I want to give them something worth reading!

So fucking do it, what's the holdup?

I can't focus on writing naturally because now I'm too wound up about how it's being perceived.

Who cares about how it's perceived? Just write.

...But there's apparently a pattern--

Fuck a pattern, who cares? Just write what comes out.

But nothing's coming out, that's my point! I can't relax and just let stuff pour out of me like I have been.

Why not?

I told you why not.

Mike's comment yesterday? 

Yeah, and about a dozen other people...

And so on, ALL FUCKING DAY TODAY.

So yeah, this is what you get when that happens. Hopefully tomorrow the needle will get unstuck on the record and move on to the next track.