Has Anyone Ever Considered Black-Vanning Westboro?

I'm tempted to make a joke about those of you who may not have heard that the Supreme Court found in favor of Westboro Church on March 2nd, but given the insane amount of "news" coverage that Charlie Sheen has been receiving for merely being a celebrity who is unashamed of living like a celebrity, it's altogether too likely that this bit of actual news was lost in the fray. For the record, that is not "winning." I really feel that CNN now stands for Charlie News Network.

Anyway, if you're unfamiliar with Westboro, they're the ridiculous cadre of fuckwits who find it suitable to protest funerals of soldiers carrying signs reading "God Hates Fags," "Thank God For 9/11" and "Thank God For Dead Soldiers." They believe that war and other instances of bad luck are visited upon us because of America's tolerance for homosexuality.

And for the record, I support the Supreme Court's decision. We cannot ever, for any reason, cap free speech. It was disgusting enough to see "free speech zones" during the Iraq War protests. Last time I checked, this nation was supposed to be run by us, the citizens. We pay the taxes, we elect the officials. WE RUN THIS SHOW. For any law to be made by someone we pay the salary of to tell us when it's okay to voice our concerns is a big, big deal.

In this case, Westboro are not yelling "Fire!" in a crowded theater, causing an unsafe environment. They gather peacefully and lawfully. The only violations they're guilty of are those of good taste and decency. They say things we don't like, in the least appropriate places. That's not a crime. The courts cannot, and should not, be involved.

But we should. And that's why I wonder why no one else has thought of getting a black panel van and a group of hooded thugs and snatching these fuckwits, driving them into the woods, and giving them a good, old fashioned beating.

Pipes. Rubber hoses. Soap bars in socks. Brass knuckles. Claw hammers to the toes. You know... What they deserve.

I love that the Patriot Guard Riders are out there, doing their best to protect the families and friends of the deceased at funerals from the pain of having to listen to or read the Phelps' horrific and disgusting crap. They're doing good work.

But it's not enough. These assholes need a serious and brutal beating. They should be buried up to their necks in an ant mound and covered in honey, with their eyelids and nostrils slit so their eyes and sinuses dry out while the ants feast on their flesh. They should be physically paid back in torment for the pain and suffering they've willfully caused these families.

The law should not be involved. It's not up to the police and the courts to regulate their speech. It's up to us as the citizens of this nation to decide what is appropriate and right in the social morays of our land. Freedom of speech does not mean freedom from concequence. And I fully believe that Westboro has a huge steaming pile of consequence just waiting to be crammed down their throats.

And let me be clear: I absolutely am advocating this. I want it to happen. Whomever makes it happen will be heroes. While you're at it, black van Glenn Beck too. He's just as bad, if not worse, than these tits.