1.14.2011

You Still Believe In Astrology? You're A Big Fucking Idiot

It was revealed yesterday that there's a 13th astrology sign: Ophiuchus. It was also revealed that the actual dates for star signs are wrong as well, and have been for many hundreds of years.

So, let's say your birthday is, say, January 24th (like mine), and you've been following astrological guides all this time, you've thought that, as an Aquarian, you were predisposed to be independent, objective, detached, original, humanitarian, intellectual, friendly, people-oriented, progressive, blah de blah...

And now, it's been revealed that you're actually a Capricorn, and you're actually predisposed to be Thoughtful, cautious, reserved, stubborn, and snobbish -- almost the exact opposite of the description of an Aquarian?

Doesn't this really mean that you're simply predisposed to being a fucking idiot for putting even the smallest amount of stock in this horseshit? I mean... You're not who you thought the stars made you! Does this mean you have to go and change personalities? Are you going to fall back on "Well, I've always had those traits as well..." or start talking about Capricorn rising or whatever the hell?

Or can you just admit it's all hogwash and hooey? Finally?

If the stars govern your personality and fate, and you've been believing the wrong fates and descriptions of yourself because there was actually a missing 13th sign, doesn't that mean the thing you've used to govern your life is fundamentally flawed and you should immediately abandon it as a guide? I mean, if my accountant suddenly said "Dude, i just learned this new math thing -- multiplication! I never knew about that before..." I'd invent a time machine so I could go back to the day I hired him and kick myself in the nuts for being a retard and not realizing how stupid he is.

Astrology believers: That's you. You've hired an accountant who has been using the wrong math all this time. Actually, it's worse than that: you've not hired an accountant, you've hired an Astrologer, someone whose business deals in made-up nonsense. Fire him and grow up. Your fate is your own. The stars don't tell you who you are, you do -- even if you choose to make yourself what the "stars" say you should be, you're doing that. You.

I think my new litmus test for wanting to actually be your friend will be how many times your stupid "My Horoscope" crap comes up in my Facebook News feed. Once, and you're out.