Year End RoundUp Crap

So 2010 is nearly done. I have to say, I'll miss it.

2010 was fantastic for me, and not just because 2009 ended so blah for me. I really enjoyed this year. I got to do some really neat stuff, like travel the world and talk about Akira. And I got to make that Scott Pilgrim game for Fark and NBC Universal. But far and away the best thing to come out of 2010 was drawing again.

I mentioned previously how much drawing used to mean to me, and that I stopped, and that it's been 11 years or so since I actually drew a thing. Thanks to you guys and your generosity during that silly sale thing I did, I got really inspired to try and do some cool stuff for you, and it was like a dam burst wide open. In my ears over and over was echoing a thing Ed Piskor (he did American Splendor and Wizzywig -- which is AMAZING, and you should buy it right the fuck now) told me once.

We were talking about our mutual love of comics and I lamented not having any talent and was generally dragging myself through the mud, and he just said "Dude, it's for the love of doing it. You love doing it, and everything else just goes right."

Never were truer words spoken. So, to keep that love alive, I'm now permanently offering sketches for commission. And you can pay whatever you want (more on that in a sec).

Anyway, I realize it's been a few days since I linked any of my drawings for you, so here's the latest batch:

I did this Eiffel Tower for Andrea for Christmas. It's from a photo from our trip to Paris in 2004:

It's the biggest thing I've drawn since I started drawing again, 11x14, marker on Bristol.

And here's Link from Legend of Zelda for Linda's kid, 6x6, marker on bristol:

And this is Christine Clauder (AKA KCBlueGal from Fark), as Ego Girl, 8.5x11, marker on bristol:

Lastly is the Yellow Toad from Super Mario Bros. Wii falling into a pit after Yoshi dumped is ass. It's funny, because it's for my friend Katie, who always picks the yellow Toad and then dumps Yoshi in pits just to save her own butt:

It's a christmas present she's getting on New Years Eve, so don't tell her okay?

And if you want a sketch, I'm still doing them, but it's a by-request thing now -- And you can pay what you want

Anything from 0.01 to a billion dollars. It's up to you. Just tell me what you want, send me reference (if needed), and pay me. I need at LEAST stamp money if you want it mailed to you. If you're a smartass and just send me a penny, that's fine, I'll email you the pic. 

Obviously, the more you contribute, the better it's going to be. To give you an idea, even though I was only charging $3, Christine paid $75, which is why hers is so big and pretty and colory. The better ones were because the buyer was generous and "tipped". But I'm not going to just suck at it because you didn't cough up dough, the point here is to draw and have fun and get you something you want. 

Pay What You Want For A Drawing By Joe!

So, the silly $3 sketch sale for Christmas went really well. I offered to you guys at 1PM the day they went on sale and limited it to 20, and sold out in 3 hours. Then I upped it to 50 and sold out again in 3 days.

I have no idea why, but you seem to like my stupid drawings. So, from now on, you can get one anytime you want, and you can pay whatever you want for it.

Naturally, the more you pay, the better it's going to be. But I'm not going to stiff you just because you can't afford to pay a lot. I'll put my best into whatever it is you ask me to do. But don't expect an Eiffel Tower for $3. And to answer a question a lot of people keep asking: I've had donations from $3 all the way to $300. There is no customary amount. You pay what you want.

Facebook gallery of sketches I've done (and one on Flickr too).

Some of peoples' favorites so far:

Kaneda firing his laser:

6x4 Eiffel Tower in watercolor (brush):

I did this Eiffel Tower for Andrea for Christmas. It's from a photo from our trip to Paris in 2004:

It's the biggest thing I've drawn since I started drawing again, 11x14, marker on Bristol.

And here's Link from Legend of Zelda for Linda's kid, 6x6, marker on bristol:

And this is Christine Clauder (AKA KCBlueGal from Fark), as Ego Girl, 8.5x11, marker on bristol:

Lastly is the Yellow Toad from Super Mario Bros. Wii falling into a pit after Yoshi dumped is ass. It's funny, because it's for my friend Katie, who always picks the yellow Toad and then dumps Yoshi in pits just to save her own butt:

Snake Eyes, for Mike, 6x6, marker on Bristol:

What the hell are you waiting for? Get yours now!


A Damn Fine Way To Start The Morning, And A Notice

A very nice thing to wake up to:

Dear Joe,

The introduction to your book encourages people to write to you with their opinions, so I wanted to write in and say thank you.

This weekend has been very difficult for me. My pet rat has been my staunch companion through stress, college and work, and I loved him with everything. Yesterday I took him to the vet because he sounded sick, expecting to go home with antibiotics. Instead, the vet informed me that he had a tumor in his lungs and the kindest thing to do would be to put him to sleep. I have been wretched and heartbroken since.

My sister gave me your book Mentally Incontinent almost a year ago, and it has been on my shelf ever since. But I couldn't sleep and figured I may as well try out a humor book as anything. Mentally Incontinent surpassed what I had expected from it, and being able to laugh at your stories and the crazy people and situations that comprised them genuinely helped me feel better. I think we sometimes forget just how important humor is when it comes to dealing with the craziness life throws at us.

Thank you for making me laugh when I thought I might never smile again.


This made me smile.

I was very saddened to hear that Emma lost her lifelong companion. And while a rat wouldn't be my first choice (or, a choice) for me personally, neither would a bird or a tortise or a snake, and I know people who have them and have since childhood -- and these folks would never entertain a dog sniffing at their hand for a treat during a meal or suffer a cat jumping on the sofa for a late night cuddle. So to each their own.

But I do know what it's like to lose a companion -- someone you've come to rely on, who you've shared the best and the worst of times with, and it sucks. So to know that something I wrote could help someone out during that time made me smile.

I never, ever expect to see stuff like this in my email, and it's always a delight when someone spends a moment and lets me know that my work and efforts and whatnot reached them. I got this one from Seth a few days ago:

Hi, I just started reading your stories a week ago through Zach Weiner at SMBC Comics.  I wanted to say thank you for writing these entertaining stories, but more so for writing those stories about your love life.  For the longest time I thought I was the only guy who felt and acted that way when it came to romance.  At least, when ever I would look to my friends for support during another break up, that's how they would make me feel.   
I'm still a young, dumb guy so I know I have plenty of time to figure things out.  And I have to say your Romance.Net story [to date the longest damn thing I've ever written - Joe] really struck a chord with me.  I honestly felt like I was reading a story from one of my past relationships when I read you spilling your emotions bare about that girl you hardly knew.  It'll probably be a while before I can honestly learn the difference between love and being in love with love, but regardless, I just wanted to say thank you for that (even though you didn't specifically write that story for me, cuz man that would have been weird and a little freaky.  "I'm going to write a very personal story and put it on the web in the hopes that, one day, a guy I never met will read it and when he says 'Thank you' I will say 'It was all for you...I've waited so long for you to read that...' and then we will sit there in awkwardness."  Sorry, over active imagination and I'm trying to lighten the tone of this e-mail, because it does seem, to me at least, a little awkward no?)  And you might get this a lot, but you've inspired me to take up writing again.  I abandoned it for a long time mostly due to self image issues and a lack of motivation, not to mention no idea what to write about. 
I'll stop typing before I start to sound a little too appreciative, know what I mean?  So once again, thank you for shamelessly letting strangers into your life in that regards.  I'll be sure to always check back at your sites for new stories!  (God I hope none of this came off as creepy.  Am I still typing out an internal monologue?  Who honestly does that, especially in introduction letters?)

A new fan,

I suggested to Seth that he might like Total Prosers as well, as it dealt with a teenage me coming to terms for the first time with the difference between "love" and "lust" and "friendship" and the like. And, you get to read first hand why everyone I went to high school with hated me and is surprised when they Facebook me that I'm actually still alive and have friends.


This is the week before Christmas -- and so, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention to you that you have until Wednesday at noon to order an autographed book or sketch from me and have it shipped to your place of residence (or business) in time for Christmas. I will be shipping everything Priority Mail 2-3 day, unless you order a sketch, which will go out first class, which may not make it in time for Christmas, but it'll make it.

And to make it easy on you, here's the stuff you can get that's actually reasonable:

Hand-drawn sketch / drawing of something from Akira, Ghost in the Shell, or All's Quiet On The Western Front, done in color marker, probably horribly but I'll try my best, on 6" x 6" square Bristol board$3 -- Limited to 20 50  -- 7 left. Yes, I've had to do 43 sketches. I would say it sucked, but it didn't, it's been fun. Thanks to everyone who has given me the opportunity to do this for you.

Autographed copy of Mentally Incontinent - That time I set A Hooters On Fire... (the 2nd book) with stickfigure singing the lyrics to whatever song happens to be on at the moment in the inside cover: $15 -- Limited to 50  -- 6 left
Autographed paperback of Mentally Incontinent (The first book, out of print) with sketch of Christmas tree / Menorah / Whatever-They-Do-For-Kwanza on the inside cover, your choice: $40 -- Limited to 10 -- 1 left

And you don't have to get what I wrote as sketches inside the cover, jsut tell me what you want and I'll try to do it.

If you're keeping score, this is the best thing I've drawn out of all the sketches I've done recently. It's a little more gooder because it was for Mike for Christmas:

It IS a Christmas present, and it's for Mike, so don't expect this for 3 bucks. But you can feel free to expect what you've been seeing out of me for other folks. Cause that's what I'm doing.


NOTICE: To All Who Got An Xmas Card:

If you got an Xmas card from me, heads up: my wife just got hers and it didn't say what I thought it did. I realized suddenly that I put my wife's card in someone else's envelope.

So, if you got one, and If yours says "I love you baby!" -- I actually don't.

Just wanted to clear that up.


Christmas with GWAR, and Screaming Children

Hi, society, are you there? It's me, Joe.

Listen, I have a problem with you. You're way, way, way, way, way, way, WAY too passive on kids these days. What's that? I don't have a kid? You're right. So how do I know? Because I know a ton of people who have kids or are aunts and uncles, and they act like the kids in their proximity are made of eggshells.

Case in point: This amazing video of GWAR going door-to-door singing Christmas carols and generally being Gwar is awesome, right?

(Can't see the video? Click here!)

Well, in the middle of it, GWAR holds a kid and the kid begins crying. The whole scene takes less than 3 seconds. And one of my friends, Jeremy, got all pouty about how horrible the parents' of that kid must be to let GWAR hold him while he cries.

Shut. The. FUCK. Up.

It's not like they're beating the kid. They're not harming it any way. It's just a baby, on video, for 3 seconds, crying while Gwar hold it. The kid is scared a little, of something that's ultimately harmless. And his parent is not an asshole. It's GWAR! They're awesome! The kid just hasn't seen enough stupid horrible incepid crap in its life yet to know the difference between "awesome" and "scary" -- he WILL get over it.

Listen, kids NEED fear in life. We all do. Healthy doses of fear, from time to time, teach us what is actually harmless and what we really should be scared of. And that's not to say parents should purposely go scaring babies -- I'm not advocating that anyone be an asshole. There's a vast difference between letting a kid live through a situation that they found scary, that is actually harmless, and getting off on scaring children.

That's abuse. And abuse doesn't even remotely fall into this category. Breaking a kids toys to punish it because you're an asshole or beating your kid because you're a drunk fuckup isn't the same as letting a kid get over being scared of Toy Story's one scary part.

Mollifying and pascifying your children because you're overly sensitive is actually doing more harm than good. You're teaching children, at an early age, that if anything remotely troublesome happens in life, they can just whine and someone will come and fix it -- and while that's actually quite true in most corporate settings, and for women in general...

Well yeah, okay. I see your point. There's definitely a benefit to being a whiny crying sack of useless shit, because most of us will just do whatever it takes to shut you up. But still, it pisses me off.


So hey, I did some more drawerings for that dumb sale you're tired of hearing of. And I've started collecting them over here on Facebook. Yesterday, I put up a Thankskilling sketch for Jeremy and Akira "Neo Tokyo" request (based on this print) for Jonathan:



And then also, I totally am going to get a day with a Bugatti Veyron because I wrote this article. No joke -- they were so thankful that I contacted them, that they offered a Veyron for a day for a future piece. And I said yes, but right before I said yes, I soiled my pants in the front. 

I wonder if I'm going to get a day with two rapping British aunties because of this one I just filed.  I hope not. 


Wikileaks Should Expose Santa

There's something just not right about Santa Claus, and I think it's high time Julian Assange quits mucking around with stupid diplomatic wires and government whistleblowing and gets off his ass and exposes this, the most propigated lie in our culture's history.

Oh, I'm not suggesting that Santa's not real. I know he's real. I get stuff from him every single year, which is the only impetus I have to be a "good boy" and not rob banks with my knowledge of making homemade railguns. Of course, if I did rob those banks, I could likely afford my own gifts every year, but let's not get bogged down in the details.

I believe that Santa is actually a demon. A satanic demon. With special demon powers.

First, there's the logistics of what he does. As discussed in some degree on this blog, there's absolutely no way whatsoever that Santa operates within the bounds of our Earth's physical realm. He violates far too many laws of mathematics and physics.

Don't be fooled. It looks cute, but as the evidence will show, it's a demonthing.

Let's just take, for example, the logistics of what he does; delivering presents and/or coal to over 6 billion people across the planet.

Let's just say, for the sake of argument, that Santa wasn't delivering Lexuses with red bows on them to even one household -- let's take something much smaller and more common. A gift card to a store of your choosing.

According to this answer on Cha Cha, the average gift or credit card weighs in at 0.2oz, or 5g.  Now, the average lump of coal weighs in at much more than 0.2oz -- any less than, say, one ounce, and you're not dealing with a lump of coal, you're dealing with a speck. So, just to make things easy, let's say every single person was good and they all got $20 to Old Navy this year on a gift card. And conservatively estimated, there's 6 billion -- with a "b" -- people on the planet. that comes to 1,200,000,000oz, or 75,000,000lbs -- roughly 37,500 TONS of gift cards.

According to WikiAnswers, the verified record for a two horse team pulling weight is 5,000lbs, or 2.5 tons -- and the distance isn't really explained, so there's no accounting for exhaustion or fatigue. This means that an 8 reindeer team (or 9, on particularly foggy nights) would have to make 15,000 trips to carry as many gift cards as are to be delivered to the 6 billion people of Earth (and this doesn't even take into account the logistics of time over distance, or distance from the North Pole)!!!

So, to account for this, either Santa is using way more than 8 (or 9) reindeer, or he's using SUPER STRONG DEMON REINDEER.

"Now Joe," you're thinking, "It's asanine to assume Santa and his reindeer are demons." OH IS IT?


  • "Santa" is an anagram of "Satan"!
  • Both Satan and Santa are seen wearing only red and black!
  • Both Satan and Santa have facial hair!
  • Reindeer have horns! Demons have horns!

Not enough evidence? Need me to math it up a bit? HERE YOU GO, some numerology for your FACE:

Santa's favorite saying: "Ho Ho Ho!"

H = 8th letter of the alphabet
O = 15th letter of the alphabet




...Wait a minute. Santa's not a demon at all -- we've just proved that Santa and his reindeer listen to Iron Maiden while they deliver their presents.

This makes PERFECT sense, you guys. I listen to Maiden when I work out. I get all hulky and strongish and feel superhuman the moment I hear "I was alone... My mind was blank..."

Wow. Just... wow. Oh, and fuck. That too.


In other news, did you know that Google now offers "Reading Level" ratings in Advanced Search? Hmm, I wonder how I stack up?

It turns out, my blog is pretty much "basic." They say that's the sign of great writing. Okay, I say it is. So shut up. I hate you. You're a poopypants.


Trigger Discipline, Killer Tomatoes, And Some Whiny Stuff

Bunch of scattershot crap today.

First, Reddit and Fark both featured my Facebook Profile Page hack bit, and that was nice. But in the comments, there were several know-it-all "Firearm safety experts" going on about my "trigger discipline" in the photos:

Dear idiots: It's a PICTURE. It was taken for effect. It's meant to convey a message. "I'm totally going to shoot myself in the head right now!" somehow loses its impact when your finger's not actually on the trigger ready to pull it, doesn't it? The gun is an unloaded prop, besides.

The real issue for me is the people who emailed or commented talking about how the photo was "in poor taste" or how it "teaches a bad lesson." Listen, if you're taking firearms safety lessons from a guy who is taking photos of himself HOLDING ONE TO HIS HEAD, you pretty much deserve to have your brain splattered to and fro. I won't be crying, that's for sure.



Today, I return to AOLNews after a bit of a hiatus. I talk about why Facebook hates Captain Awesome. It's worth reading, if for no other reason than it makes me look like I have readers.


I received yesterday the most amazing chainmaille rainbow coif by the most amazing Jessica Johnson at Red Panda Jewelry:

Tell her I sent you. She'll know what that means.


I drew up this Attack of the Killer Tomatoes bit for Bryan Long, who chastised me for spelling his name with an 'i' instead of a 'y':

I told him that's what makes it 'art' -- the imperfections. He bought it. You should buy one. Tell me what you want me to draw, and I'll totally draw it and then put it with a Christmas card and then mail it and then be happy when you get it and then tell you how I'm not really a good drawer when you complain about how much it sucks.

But you know, I used to be a drawer. I drew a lot when I was in junior and high school. I even had a short-lived comic strip in the Georgia State Signal when I went there. It was short lived mostly because my college career was.

That was a huge step for me; putting my drawing in a public paper like that. I suffered from pretty severe "creative anxiety" caused by retarded people in my life who constantly berated and destroyed my creative stuff (literally -- my older brother used to break my crayons and pencils just to be a dick, among other things. Surprised to find out I have an older brother? That's because I don't talk about him, ever. Why don't I talk about him ever? Because he smashed up my art supplies, among other things. FOLLOW ALONG!).

Then when I left school and stopped the strip, I had a parallel experience that ended up with some people I care about saying some really nasty things, and it pretty much shut me away from my drawing desk. But things like writing Mentally Incontinent and this blog really helped me get past that stuff, and publishing the books and having people be very supportive has been such a gift.

And so, with a deep breath and a sigh, I decided to offer sketches to you fine folks for that stupid retarded sale thing. It was a very purposeful choice; I knew I was going to have to sit down at the drawing desk again and, like, drawn and stuff. And I have, and I will tell you people, I've had the most fun I've had in YEARS doing these. It's literally been 11 years since I drew anything besides web layouts by hand. Yay.

Bryan's Killer Tomatoes and Ellen's "Alien3" drawings have been two of my favorites so far. So that's why I've shown them. Maybe I'll show more -- very likely, given the two "Thankskilling" and three "Tetsuo totally freaking out" sketches requested. And before you even say it, I know I draw like shit compared to artists like Mark Brooks and Tom Feister and Tony Shasteen and Cat Staggs and (insert about fifty thousand other names here). I'm not them. I'm me. I draw like me. Yay me.

Oh, I didn't show you Ellen's Alien3? I linked it on Twitter and Facebook, but not here. So, here it is:

The caption says "I couldn't even bear to so much as THINK of Alien3 ever again, so here's 3 aliens!"

...Because Alien3 was horrible. Horrible, I say.

Edit: looks like I did link to the Alien3 pic, in the bathroom post the other day. But fuck it, more pictures means longer page, means I look like I'm dong my job.


Screwing With Facebook's New Profile Template

Just thought I'd screw with my profile on the new Facebook profile template a bit:

Want to do it yourself? The steps are simple:

1) Download my Photoshop facebook template thinger
2) Place your final photo under the cut-up layer
3) slice your photo via the guides in the file
4) Upload to Facebook as an album
5) Tag the photos with your name in order, from right to left, 1-5
6) Tell your friends!

Update: EVEN EASIER! A guy on Reddit (named I_Am_A_Redditor) made this tool to automate it! How easy! He says he doesn't store pics, and I'm not sure why he'd even want to. Still, if you're privacy-paranoid, maybe don't use it.

(Edit: Thanks, Anonymous, for pointing out the typo -- it's 1-5, not 1-6. First they hack Gawker, then they help me out, is there anything Anon can't do?)


The Biggest Bathroom Stall In The History Of Ever

Yesterday, while Christmas shopping, I had the need to relieve myself.

Now, ever since I was knocked out while using a toilet during a mad Christmas shopping rush, I've been very leery of using public toilets to do #2 (for those of you without kids, and thus, more accustomed to adult talk, that's code for "take a shit"). But when I walked into the Men's room at the Dillards at North Point Mall, I was greeted by a stall that was larger than my home office:

It was easily 8' x 8' square -- the size of a small bedroom. What I couldn't get in this AutoStitched photo was the boudoir / changing table in the back corner:

You could take a nap on that thing. Seriously. But the best feature of this condo-sized toilet stall was this:

A power outlet on the sink! In a public toilet! 

Holy crap, literally! You could shave in there! Or, more appropriate for me, I could plug in my iPhone and play Words with Friends for days, unhindered by the limitations of normal public toilets! I wanted to lease the place! 

So yeah, I took a shit in there. I had to. It was the most comfortable I've felt in a public restroom in years. 


So, some updates: I've been drawing lots and lots of sketches for folks that bought them for the stupid silly crazy Christmas sale, and it's been fun! I've enjoyed the heck out of it. Here's a fun one I posted this morning for Twitter and Facebook folks:

The buyer wanted something from Alien3. As you can see, I couldn't do it. I'll post more the next few days if you guys want to see them.

Or, if you want one, freakin' buy one you cheapskate.

Or, a book or three. Or whatever. I really want to do new exciting project things.

I've also been kicking around an idea of doing these goofy little "here's how my life is going" things at the end of silly blog post rant things. Thoughts?


Reddit Loves Me, Amazon Hates Me, I Think I'll Go Eat Worms

So, someone on Reddit liked the review I did of my own book on Amazon!

Here's what it used to say:

Apparently, Amazon didn't dig that too much, so they deleted the review. So, I decided to write a new one (link goes to the Amazon page, below is a screenshot for if (WHEN) it gets deleted):

Let's see how long before they nuke it.


Why I'm Whoring Myself Out For Your Money

Today is day three of the Autographed Books And Also Will Anyone Ever Be Silly Enough To Actually Pay Money For Joe's Stupid Notebooks Or Hang Out With Him sale for Christmas. And what's funny is, only a few people have asked "Why are you suddenly doing this? Is it for charity?"

If by "charity" you mean "my pocket because I want your money" -- you're partially right. But it's not just so I can spend your money on goods for myself. I'm raising dough for a new project.

So, remember the other day when I asked the interwebs what you guys thought about an iPad/iPhone book format? Well, a lot of you commented and emailed saying yes, in fact, you'd love something like that. In fact, I counted only 7 detractors out of 110 respondants (which, by the way, is always intriguing to me, the fact that people email me in response to the stuff I post much more than pubically comment. But I think it speaks more to our relationship, that people are comfortable with one-on-one correspondence with me. At least, I like to think that we're all friends and I can crash on your couch one day.)

Well, that project is farther along than I thought, even though I was the one asking. I have had this vision of a new form of book / periodical -- something that I haven't ever really seen before. A novel, where art supports the story. But it's not a comic book, and it's not a magazine. It's something entirely new and different. You subscribe to the book as it's being written, and you get X number of chapters per month (right now, the prevailing throughput in my brain is $1.99 a month for 3 - 4 chapters -- if I get to writing and realize I can only put out 2 chapters a month, the price should go down).

I've talked with a few illustrator friends of mine, and they're game. These are guys you've heard of, if nowhere else, on my Twitter and Facebook feeds. But if you're into comic books at all, you know them. (I won't say right now who, because I don't want to pubically attach someone to a project that isn't officially underway. But I think you guys know me well enough that, if I'm talking about it, it's a thing).

At the end of it, you have a digitally delivered completed book that, in a perfect world, you paid slightly more in total for than you would have if you bought it off the shelf -- and you also have, along with it, a very unique, artist-driven experience to read that book in, done by professional illustrators. Each chapter would have a "cover" per se -- a full page illustration that supports the story elements within.

The subscription would be renewable based on how you feel like proceeding. If you liked the book, you can subscribe to the next one once it starts. If you come into the book halfway, you can buy the previous chapters for X amount to catch up. Once it's all done, you could buy a print copy of the book if you'd like. But in the end, what you're doing is helping support a writer and an illustrator as they produce content for you each month, and funding the development of the content delivery engine. And if it works? More books that look better as time goes on. And if it doesn't? Well, you got stuff for your money, at least.

As far as platform goes, I've been thinking more and more about that -- I need to explore more how I want the delivery for this to work, but I see no reason why it can't be available on the web through a browser as well as on iPad/iPhone/Android/Windows Mobile 7 devices (sorry Blackberry and older Win devices, I just can't see my way clear to dealing with you. I developed apps for these devices in a former life, and it was a nightmare).

And rather than start a Kickstarter project for it (or, possibly, in conjunction -- still thinking it through), I thought I'd offer up the stuff I already have for sale, in addition to a few rarities and -- as stupid as they are -- more high-dollar items / experiences, just because. In reality, I absolutely do not expect someone to pay $1500 bucks to hang out with me, or $10,000 for a truck that has very publically been stolen, ripped apart, returned, and then banged into not one but two SUVs in the past year.

But if someone wanted to buy it? Fuck yeah, I'm going to let them. And what's very, VERY interesting is that there are apparently some people who are seriously interested in things like the journal the stalker stole in 1998, and the sales proof copy from Penguin of my 2nd book. I am absolutely most surprised at this.

Anyway, that's where I'm going with this.

Quick links if you're interested in this crap -- click the link to buy:

Hand-drawn sketch / drawing of something from Akira, Ghost in the Shell, or All's Quiet On The Western Front, done in color marker, probably horribly but I'll try my best, on 6" x 6" square Bristol board$3 -- Limited to 20 50  -- 21 left. Yes, I've had to do 29 sketches. My wrist hurts.

Autographed copy of Mentally Incontinent - That time I set A Hooters On Fire... (the 2nd book) with stickfigure singing the lyrics to whatever song happens to be on at the moment in the inside cover: $15 -- Limited to 50  -- 16 left

Autographed paperback of Mentally Incontinent (The first book, out of print) with sketch of Christmas tree / Menorah / Whatever-They-Do-For-Kwanza on the inside cover, your choice: $40 -- Limited to 10 -- 3 left

The insane stuff, like an actual journal of mine or a hand-written novel specifically for you, can be found here


Want A Christmas Card?

Those of you who know about my whole postcard thing when I travel will be delighted to jump on this: If you want a Christmas card from yours truly, email me with your address and the subject "FUCK YEAH I WANT A CARD COMMEMORATING THE FAKE DAY OF JESUS'S BIRTH" (or, simply "Christmas card") and ye shall receive.

Special deal: Anyone who buys anything in the Super Insane Retarded Why The Hell Is He Doing This Joe Peacock sale I posted yesterday gets a Christmas card that's better than the ones I'm sending for free. Call it a Super Deluxe Christmas Card. I added a few things since yesterday, namely hand-drawn sketches for $3, one AND ONLY ONE sales preview copy of the 2nd book from Penguin,  and a private Art of Akira showing for you and your friends (or company). And if you buy the custom novel, I'll send you a case of Christmas cards which play music.

So, if you want to show me you love me through consumer greed and help finance my insanity, feel free to buy a thing or three. Or don't, and get free crap. I don't care.

(If you already bought something, you'll get your card automagically -- but it'll come separate, as I shipped your crap yesterday and am buying cards today. So. )

You have 24 hours. The cutoff is 12 noon tomorrow EST (December 9).

And those of you who have yet to get your Edinburgh, UK postcard: They're sitting on my desk. I got about half mailed out before I came home, and have been horribly lazy since. Sorry about the delay, they'll go out this week (when I mail out Christmas cards). It'll have a US postmark on it, but it was purchased (for wayyyyyyyyyy too much compared to American postcards) in Edinburgh. So it still counts.

Oh, and if you're looking for cheap, awesome gifts for your loved ones for Xmas: consider Zach Weiner's new graphic novel Captain Stupendous. It's so wonderful I can't even think of hyperbolic compliments for it. And there's always my book for way cheaper than I'm selling it for, only not autographed and without a cool sketch. But hey, it's still an alternative.

But if you REALLY want to impress them, buy the custom novel starring them. Or me hanging out with them all day and annoying them. OR MY TRUCK. Because I am a whore.


The Super Mega Joe Peacock Christmas Sale -- Signed Books, A Custom Novel Written Just For You, Private Akira Exhibits And More (Yes, This Is 100% Legit)

Updated 12.30.10: Sales over, folks. But you can still buy books and sketches!

Book:  $15 
Sketch: Pay What you Want

Updated 11:30AM Dec 9:  All the 1st book hardcovers are gone, there are 3 more 1st book paperbacks and a few more 2nd books available. All the big ticket (read: utterly ridiculous and never ever going to sell) things are still available. Go figure, no one's willing to spend $1500 to hang out with me. 

So, it's Christmas, and you're looking for that perfect gift for that loved one of yours. Or loved ones. I don't know, you might be popular. Or, maybe you just spread your love around like so much peanut butter on so many bagels. I don't judge.

But one thing's for certain, you need gifts. And this year, the big deal is to stop with the materialistic crap and get them something from the heart. Something unique, one-of-a-kind. Something you just won't find anywhere else. And that's what I'm about to offer you -- a seriously unique kind of Christmas / Hanukkah (Chanukah? Which is it?) / Kwanza / whatever-you-celebrate present.

This is 100% serious. Every single item you see on this list is a serious offer, delivered before December 25th (except for one, the hand-written novel, for very obvious reasons, unless you just want it to be like seven pages and suck ass, and the travel stuff will have to be scheduled).  I really doubt anyone will buy any of this crap. But hey, if you do, you have my word this'll happen.

All of this stuff is first come, first served. Once it's gone, it's gone. And I'm going to end this sale at some point, maybe Dec 31, 2010. Maybe not. Try buying it and see if it goes through, if it does, I'll honor the sale.

LISTEN UP: If you have a special request for the autograph, or for the "holiday" sketch (christmas tree / manorah / etc), say so in the notes in Paypal, otherwise you get what I think you should, which is usually the right thing but sometimes it's not.

So, the stuff you can buy -- click the link or the image to add it to your cart:

* * *

Hand-drawn sketch / drawing of something from Akira, Ghost in the Shell, or All's Quiet On The Western Front, done in color marker, probably horribly but I'll try my best, on 6" x 6" square Bristol board$3 -- Limited to 20 50  -- 21 left. Yes, I've had to do 29 sketches. My wrist hurts.

Note: if you don't like any of those movies, suggest one. I'll figure something out. Maybe I'll take a picture of the first one that someone orders, but maybe I won't -- you'll just have to order one and see.

Here's the Killer Tomatoes I just finished for Bryan: 

I can't guarantee they're all going to look like this. For one thing, you may not want Killer Tomatoes. But I'll do my best on each and every one. 

* * *

Autographed copy of Mentally Incontinent - That time I set A Hooters On Fire... (the 2nd book) with stickfigure singing the lyrics to whatever song happens to be on at the moment in the inside cover: $15 -- Limited to 50  -- 16 left

* * *

Autographed paperback of Mentally Incontinent (The first book, out of print) with sketch of Christmas tree / Menorah / Whatever-They-Do-For-Kwanza on the inside cover, your choice: $40 -- Limited to 10 -- 3 left

* * *

Autographed HARDCOVER of Mentally Incontinent (the first book, out of print and EXTREMELY limited) with sketch of me on a mountaintop screaming obscenities at any company of your choice: $75 -- GONE

* * *

Autographed paperback SALES COPY PREVIEW of Mentally Incontinent (the 2nd book) with sketch of me doing a majorly cool wheelie on a bicycle made of carbon: $100 -- Limited to 1 --There were only 22 of these made, and I only had 2. This is one of them. Look at the front and back covers, you'll see the "Advance Manuscript" notice on the front cover and the catalog blurb and release date on the back. 


* * *

A 5~10 page "Mentally Incontinent" story no one has read or heard yet, written just for you: Includes an autographed copy of the 1st and 2nd books, with a sketch of me drawing a sketch in one of them, and a sketch of a sketch drawing me in the other

I will hand-write / type a story from the Mentally Incontinent series no one has heard yet (basically, I'll write you a letter with a story about one of my goofy times). If you buy it, no one else will ever get to read it. It's yours and yours alone... Unless of course you scan it and put it on the internet, in which case I'll link to it and you'll be a hero amongst the MI fanbase. $125 -- Limit 10

* * *

My sketchbook from art class in 1995, my senior year in high school: Includes an autographed copy of the 1st and 2nd books, with a sketch of one of my cats in one and one of my dogs in the other


Now, Why the hell would you want this? Seriously. I mean, all this other stuff is silly, but I get it, it's all writing related and I'm a writer and whatever. But this is a stupid sketchbook where I quite literally did the bare minimum assigned to me to get credit for homework. It's silly. It's stupid. And it's yours for: $200 - Limited to 1

* * *

My journal from 1997 - 1998 that the stalker girl stole: Includes an autographed copy of the 1st and 2nd books, with a sketch of Dr. House from the show House doing a handstand on a tricycle in one and a sketch of Dexter from the show Dexter cutting open a Baby Ruth with a scalpel in the other. 


Yes, this is the actual journal that girl stole. No joke.
It's my journal that was stolen by a stalker and returned years later. Was the source for the story 1-800-STALKER from my 2nd book. Why would I sell this? Because it's in a book you probably read (or claim to have read) and for years, I just assumed it was gone. I lost emotional attachment. But now it's FAMOUS OMG. You get the supreme pleasure of deciphering my horrible handwriting and reading the ramblings of a young me. How lucky you are. It's not a complete notebook, and it is FILLED with retarded teenage angst. You'll love it. $300 - Limited to 1 

* * *

A day with me, Mike and Jeremy in Atlanta. Includes an autographed copy of the 1st and 2nd books, signed by me, Jeremy, Mike and Andrea, with a sketch of Henry Rollins cooking pancakes (from the back, shirtless, so the tattoo shows) in one and Bruce Lee doing MAD KICKS in the other

We will start the day at The Flying Biscuit, the best place in the city to get breakfast. We will then go to the World of Coca Cola, where we will proceed to make fun of The World of Coca Cola, because it sucks. We will then head to the Georgia Aquarium, which is pretty damn awesome. Lunch will be at Farm Burger in Decatur, hands-down the best burger in the city. From there, you'll get a tour of Mentally Incontinent, where the stories took place, where I grew up, and so on. Dinner will be at The Porter, the finest pub in all the city.  sleep in a hotel that night. We will play Xbox and call each other "fuckers" for the majority of the night. If anything strange or unusual happens during the day, you'll end up starring in a story in the next Mentally Incontinent book. Your airfare will be covered up to $400 dollars, and if you end up in a hotel, that's covered up to $100. If we travel to you, add an additional $500 for costs. All admissions and food are included. 
$1500 for a day in Atlanta -- Limited to 1 or $2000 for a day in your town, Limited to 1

* * *

A day with the Art of Akira in your town / at your business / whateverIncludes an autographed copy of the 1st and 2nd books, signed by me, with a sketch of Kaneda on his bike in one book and Tetsuo morphed into crazy goo thing in the other. Plus, an authentic production Akira cel of my choosing.


Stan Lee didn't pay for it, but he got a private showing of
Art of Akira -- and now, you can too! Anywhere in North America -- International will have to cost extra. I will travel to your town and give you a full day of private exhibition with the actual production art from The Art of Akira Exhibit (or, you and your friends, or a showing at your business like I did with Pixar). The private exhibit will include pieces never before seen by the public, and will consist of 200-300 pieces. At the end of it all, I'll present to you an actual cel from the film of my choosing.   $2500 -- Limited to 1

* * *

A full custom 200+pg novel written by me in any style you choose. This includes autographed copies of the 1st and 2nd books with sketches of glittery vampyres in the cover, reciting Keats.
Mystery, Romance, Sci-Fi, hell I'll even do Vampyre Tween crap. Your call. You can even be a character in it if you want. This will be your book, for you, to share with your friends. I'll have it published and printed and 10 copies made for you to give out. I will only sell the book to the general public a) if you agree, and b) after 1 year of it being yours to share with friends and read for yourself. Otherwise, I will make the book available to read online for free after six months (next July). I'll travel to your town and hand deliver the book, and spend the day hanging out and doing your chores. No windows -- washing or debugging. $5000 -- Limited to 1

* * *

My Truck. Includes an autographed copy of the 1st and 2nd books, signed by me, with a sketch of Howard Hessman from WKRP eating a McRib in one and Billy Dee Williams (Lando Calrissian) drinking milk in the other.
Yes, that's right, you can be the proud owner of a 2004 Dodge Ram 1500 5.8L HEMI SRT truck -- the truck that the kids stole out of my driveway in 2008, and the very truck I toured this grand nation with in 2006 as I sold copies of my book out the back of it. I love this truck. You will too. I'll drive it to your location and deliver it, along with a tub full of Mentally Incontinent hoodies -- approximately 52 left in various sizes. We will hang out all day and visit the cool stuff to do in your town, followed by dinner at a four-dollar-sign restaurant in Yelp near your town. You'll have to drive me to the closest airport to get home. I'll include a story about you and your friends from the adventures that day. We will video the entire exchange and put it on YouTube set to music by my friends Battles. $10,000 -- Limited to 1

* * *
 That's it. I have nothing more to offer.


Why No One At AOLNews Actually Takes Me Seriously

And they shouldn't. Because I'm a total retard.

If you've paid any attention to this blog (or, read it outside of an RSS reader -- give it a try right now), you've seen the "Words my editor at AOLNews, Buck Wolf, has forbid me use:" column on the right. Truth be told: I know what I'm doing when I put them in the articles I write. I know that "vajayjay" won't fly on a mainstream news site, no matter how tightly the wings are glued on.

But that's not the only reason no one at AOLNews takes me seriously. There's other stuff I do, just about every single day, that causes people to form a glossy oily coat over their brains that will repel my words like water on a duck's back. Take today's Wierd News editorial chat from this morning:

[Weird News]: (Ben [editor]) good morning
joe peacock: if you say so


[Weird News]: (Ben [editor]) i wish we had thought of this feature: amish romance novels
joe peacock: that was huge on fark yesterday. "Oh baby churn that butter"


[Weird News]: (Buck Wolf) Joe, if you file [a particular story], make sure ben knows.
joe peacock: what's my format on [the story], can i be my normal self, or do i have to be all journalisty
[Weird News]: (Buck Wolf) Present facts in an entertaining and informative way. Try not to use the first person unless the story really requires it.
joe peacock: …shit, you had to say entertaining. Don't think i can do it boss
[Weird News]: (Buck Wolf) Joe -- What word can I use that would make the difference?
joe peacock: shoot, how do you do that accent thing over an e? I'm trying to type "blase"... stupid french and their stupid unnecessary accent marks


[Weird News]: (Dave [writer]) Morning
[Weird News]: (Buck Wolf) hi. Would you try to find the guy who married his dog.
[Weird News]: (Dave [writer]) Sure, but that story has fake fake fake written all over it.
joe peacock: Ooooh, i'll take it then. It's not like i have a reputation to protect. I can just hear him now when his dog catches him in an affair with his cat… "But honey, it was just a little sport pussy, it meant nothing, i have no felines for her"


[Weird News]: (Dave [writer]) I am calling TSA after -- what esle? -- coffee and will write the story after that.
joe peacock: i bet the TSA figures out a way to give you a patdown over the phone. Wear a kilt.


[Weird News]: (Buck Wolf) Joe -- file today. You have energy.
joe peacock: you misspelled 'entropy'

I swear to God, the more I write, the more I wonder how the hell the people I write for came to the conclusion that I actually belong there.


New Book: Not Spilling ALL The Beans Yet, But...


I just got off the phone with [an as yet named publisher, but it's not Penguin and it's someone you've probably heard of], AND:

...IF the rights can be worked out...

AND IF the timing works out (i.e. I work my ass off)...

...There is a good possibility (that could very well be a probability, but for now I'll call it a possiblity) that there might be an official totally beautiful hardcover full-color glossy Art of Akira book in the near future.

...I KNOW RIGHT!?! You see all those balls there? No, not there, over THERE -- YES. Those balls. I just tripped them.

More soon. Don't tell anyone.

(And no, this is not the iPad thingy I was talking about yesterday, that's something else.)