An Intentionally Vague Letter To Someone, For Someone Else

(A note: This isn't for me, per se.  It certainly draws upon some feelings I've had, but it's actually a piece written for someone else; my small way of trying to empower this person to be okay with how they're feeling right now. I imagine we've all had to face something from our pasts that tears our hearts out and throws them against the wall. This is my answer to that; saying it's perfectly fine to not turn the other cheek. While I do believe that "anger is letting them win," sometimes, that anger changes into something far more powerful for you than it ever could be for them. Sometimes, it's okay to not let it go. Sometimes, it's okay to want to tear someone's heart out and show it to them so they can see how it feels. That's what this is about.)

You want to know why I can't forgive you?

Because you can never, ever take back what you did to me. You can't make it right; you can't fix the problem. You can't heal the damage. I had to do that. I had to fix myself; I had to make myself whole after you tore me in half. You didn't even have the decency to stick around and watch. And now, these years later, you want to make amends?

What, you get to act however you want, exacting your will against me, disappear while I figure it all out, and then show up again when your soul gets the best of you and ask me if I'll let you off the hook?

You're a terrorist. You're only happy when those around you are in dischord. And the fact that I have to write this out for you is proof enough that youv'e not changed a bit... Your methods have. Why can't you just stay away? Why isn't one turn at screwing me up enough for you?

And you're not even brave enough to show up and ask me for permission to forgive yourself to my face (because that's what forgiveness is, after all... If you were even slightly human, you'd just forgive yourself without needing to involve me). Fuck you. I think you know how it'd turn out if you showed up here in person. I wouldn't be the only one who had to suffer through this. But you know that. You know enough to stay far enough away to keep safe, all the while lobbing your emotional ordinance at me.

The truth is, you shaped me. You shaped me through pain and torment. I scarred over in those places. I feel no pain there, but every time I see the mark, I remember how it all went down. And every time I do, I think about how I'd visit that pain upon you in a way I could be sure you felt it. Because I know you have no heart to break and no soul to trade away, it'd have to be physical. And that's why you stay far enough away.

Are you happy? Are you glad you had an effect on making me who I am? I hope so. I hope it was worth it. I hope it gives you some satisfaction; so that the entire exercise was not in vain.

But you didn't destroy me. Far from it. Yes, it felt that way at the time. It hurt so badly I wanted to end it all. I wanted to fall through the earth; I wanted to disappear. But as time passed and the distance between us grew, I pulled myself up and examined the rubble and rebuilt what I am... Only this time, I made myself stronger and more aware. I got to cut away the weak parts that you abused. I'm hardened. I'm reinforced. I will never allow anyone that kind of access again. 

I'm as over it as I can be. Parts of me still ache when I hear your name. But it still hurts; as you knew it would when you left. And now you're back.

For your sake, stay away. For what's left of what I felt for you that was good, I hope you'll keep your distance. Don't write me. Don't call me. Don't show up at my door. I still have enough love for you that I don't want what would happen to you to go down. I don't want to hurt you, no matter how badly you hurt me. Be satisfied with the damage you've already done. Don't think for a second it's alright for you to do any more, regardless of your motivations. 

You are poison. You are not welcomed. If you stay, YOU will be the one left hurt this time. 

This is your only warning. 


What A Difference Ten Years Makes

So, I had to renew my passport last week, so I can go to Scotland next week. I never really looked at my passport photo the past few years, or at least since I set upon my total body transformation whatever thing. But here's the comparison:

I'm still an ugly cuss, I'm just less of one (literally). Also, this should put to rest any nonsense surrounding my last name actually being Peacock. Who makes up "Peacock" as a pen name? Really?


About The New Joe P. Book -- What's Your Thoughts?

Okay, so, it's about time I finally spill the beans on this new book project.

The next book will be (of course) a collection of short stories based on my life, friends, and the crazy crap that goes on. This time, however, I'm not going to do user voting on chapters -- but  I will be asking you guys to participate, if you'd be so inclined.

I will be releasing the book on the net one chapter at a time. In fact, it'll come one page at a time. I will be producing a physical manuscript (probably typewritten), and "hiding" one page of each chapter in various locations around cities I visit. When the page is found by anyone, they will be asked to simply go to the web address for the book (which might very well be mentallyincontinent.com -- still being decided). They will simply input a serial number that will be printed on the page, and voila - that page will be "revealed" to everyone.

**Update** I plan to take photos of where I leave the pages, which will clearly show the page hidden in the location, along with enough detail to know (generally) where that place is, and post the pics, along with what city they're in.

Finders will be encouraged to post more information; where they found it, how they felt about the page, the project, etc. But they don't have to. No email address or name will be required to participate (but of course they're welcomed). All that's required is the serial code printed on the page of the manuscript.

If this sounds familiar, you probably remember my 25cameras.com project, where I sent out 25 disposable cameras around the globe and asked people to send them back, to be posted on the site and made into a book. It was a dismal failure, because there was WAY too much work involved, and way too much time between sending it all out and potentially getting stuff back.

To keep the project from going completely stale, a one week timelimit will be placed on releasing all pages from the chapter on the net. Whichever pages are not found and registered within 7 days will simply be revealed, and the next chapter will begin.

Finders of the pages will get a free copy of the book once it's out, provided they give me their email address and contact info.

When new pages are revealed, an update will fire out on twitter / facebook / email to let people know it's up, depending on what they've signed up for. To make actually reading each chapter much easier, I'll include the full text of the entire chapter in one page, so you can opt to read either page-by-page or all at once.

 It's going to be sorta wild to see if this will work, which is why I'm so into it. What are your thoughts? Are there pitfalls I'm missing? Does it sound stupid or cool? Let me know either in the comments or via email -- and if you're interested in helping hide pages of a book around your city, definitely let me know that as well. I could use the help :)


Fourteen Things I Never Thought I'd Ever Get To Say, and Thank You

This entire post is filled with sentences I never in a million years thought I'd get to say. I'm going to try to demark each instance of A Thing I Never Thought I'd Get To Say with a number. Let's see how far I get.

Last weekend, I 1) Got to meet Stan Lee 2) At my Art of Akira Exhibit 3) at DragonCon, where I showed 4) pieces from my world-renown collection of original Akira production art. I'm packing it up today to 5) ship it to Scotland for Scotland Loves Animation festival, 6) where I'll be speaking for 10 days from 7 October to 18 October. When I get back, 8) AOLNews is 9) flying me out to 10) Minnesota to 11) Drive a tank 12) over cars. 

What the fuck have I done to deserve this amazing stuff? Seriously, this year has buried the needle on the gauge which measures just how incredible life is. And to think, I haven't even gotten to the part about the 13) new book yet, or launching 14) the new features I've designed for Fark.com.

Fourteen. That's the number of insane things I never thought could ever happen to me, that I've either gotten to do or will be doing over a period of three months. And it's all because of you. You believed in me when I first started writing in 2002, as a way to keep from going insane while spending my days writing medical software. You bought my first book and helped finance my exodus from the corporate world. You bought my second book and helped establish to the rest of the world that, yes, Joe Peacock is actually a writer guy. You read what I write. You put up with my moodiness on Twitter and Facebook. You tell other people about me. 

Don't think I've forgotten that, or ever will. I get to do what I do every day for two very important reasons 1) I'm crazy enough to attempt it, and 2) YOU have my back. 

Thank you.


You Know What If A Polar Bear Shows Up In My Driveway I'm Not Going To Hug It

I'm not even playing about that, if a polar bear shows up in my driveway I'm not going to hug the damn thing. I'm probably going to shoot it, if I can get to a firearm. And if I'm not able to get to a firearm, I'm going to beat it with my steel Starbucks coffee mug, because that's usually what I leave the house with when I head out to my truck. Which is in my driveway. Which is where the polar bear might show up for hugs.

And I'm not hugging it. No. Not even if it's not in the driveway. If the polar bear shows up in, say, my kitchen, I'm not hugging it there, either. I'm grabbing two of the biggest knives out of my knife block and I'm yelling "HAVE AT YOU!" and I'm lunging at its eyes with the knives, because then if I connect it'll be blind and can't see me. And if it can't see me, it certainly can't hug me. Which is what I want - no hugs from a polar bear.

Because fuck polar bears. And fuck hugs. I don't want that shit. I'm telling you. If you're a polar bear and you're reading this and you're thinking "You know what I want is a hug" and then you think "You know who I want a hug from is Joe Peacock" and then you think "You know where I want that hug from Joe Peacock is in his driveway" then FUCK YOU. And if you think kitchen instead of driveway, know that I'm going to stab your eyes.

I'm not even kidding.


Irony Defined

It figures that on the day I post a Note To Self saying "Pay Attention To The Road!" that I'd go smash right into a car while not paying attention to the road.

Now, I'm not overly artistic. I don't think there's any super secret meaning to anything I do. But sometimes, I do try to hide little messages in the things I write, or say stuff without really saying stuff in pics I take. In today's note, I was trying to say that you shouldn't focus so much on the mechanics of a thing, and instead, pay attention to the only thing that matters -- where you're going. It's a credo that I have lived my entire life by. I don't care much about the levers, wheels, dials and gauges, I just push forward until a thing is done. Besides, it was a funny thought to imagine what you guys would think about seeing a picture taken at 70+ miles an hour.

But no. I had to go slam into a Mercedes with my truck a few hours later, thus negating any artistic bullshit whatsoever and defining irony. And yes, my wife sang that stupid, stupid song at me when she found out.

The really big time mega worst part is that it really IS ironic -- I wasn't looking at the road when I hit the other car. I got distracted by an oncoming shuttle bus who sped up to keep me from changing a lane, and while flipping him off and calling his mother an unsavory term, I slammed right into the car in front of me.

And so, yeah. That happened.


DragonCon Recap (TL;DR: I Was On CNN And Met Stan Lee)

This weekend was amazing. The Art of Akira Exhibit at DragonCon was extremely well received, and I was told that my panels ("The Great Dub Debate: Which Akira Dub Was Better?", "The Art of Akira" and "The Death Of Analog Art - Is Digital Processing Killing Handmade Art?") were all entertaining and informative.

CNN came out and did a piece covering my obsession with Akira cels and the exhibit, and it was great. They even had it on the front page of CNN.com for nearly 2 days. The photo they used could probably have been a little less ridiculously dumb on my part -- I should have known better than to cheese it up for the cameras, even just having fun. But eh, I'm okay with it now. 

Then, on Saturday, I was honored to give a private look at some of my Akira cels, backgrounds and sketches to none other than Mr. Stan Lee. After his signing with Greg Simpkins, his people called me over so that he could get a look before he had to leave. We talked for quite a while about Akira, the history of the film, its impact and its legacy. I left out the parts where I told him how big a fanboy I was and cried and begged him to sign my everything I own. I figured I can do that next time. 


DragonCon Bingo Sheet

My dear friend Liz Stricklen has made an incredible DragonCon Bingo Game. If you find yourself at DragonCon this weekend (and really, why wouldn't you? I'm there, Stan Lee is there... It's really the coolest place to be this weekend, and there's Lots O' Akira going on), feel free to play some DCBingo and win great prizes, like... Uh... Drinks. 

Download bingo sheet (JPG)

Download bingo sheet (PDF)


I Am Such A Fucking Moron

I have been running around like a chicken with his head cut off trying to finalize everything for DragonCon this weekend. In case you've been actively ignoring me, I'll summarize: The Art of Akira Exhibit is a pretty big deal there this year, and we're doing quite a lot with the con.

To help people keep track of all that's going on, I had some "infocards" printed up -- 2,000 of them -- to hand out and pass around the con. The point was to create a high quality keepsake that people could take with them from the con to remember the exhibit, which served a dual purpose of informing everyone about the events I'm involved in.

Here's the art:



Here's the card:

Here's the problem: I got the time on the Sunday panel, Is Digital Killing Analog Art, wrong. It's actually 11:30 AM Sunday morning. 

So my options are to a) reprint and lose a BUNCH of money, due to sunk costs plus overnight shipping on the new cards, b) write all over this keepsake in sharpie informing about the misprint, or c) just suck it up and deal with it. 

I guess the bright side is that, if this is the worst thing that goes wrong all weekend, I'll have one hell of a great weekend. But the dark side is that it could end up being a sign of things to come.

At any rate, hope to see you at Con.