12.16.2010

Wikileaks Should Expose Santa

There's something just not right about Santa Claus, and I think it's high time Julian Assange quits mucking around with stupid diplomatic wires and government whistleblowing and gets off his ass and exposes this, the most propigated lie in our culture's history.

Oh, I'm not suggesting that Santa's not real. I know he's real. I get stuff from him every single year, which is the only impetus I have to be a "good boy" and not rob banks with my knowledge of making homemade railguns. Of course, if I did rob those banks, I could likely afford my own gifts every year, but let's not get bogged down in the details.

I believe that Santa is actually a demon. A satanic demon. With special demon powers.

First, there's the logistics of what he does. As discussed in some degree on this blog, there's absolutely no way whatsoever that Santa operates within the bounds of our Earth's physical realm. He violates far too many laws of mathematics and physics.

Don't be fooled. It looks cute, but as the evidence will show, it's a demonthing.

Let's just take, for example, the logistics of what he does; delivering presents and/or coal to over 6 billion people across the planet.

Let's just say, for the sake of argument, that Santa wasn't delivering Lexuses with red bows on them to even one household -- let's take something much smaller and more common. A gift card to a store of your choosing.

According to this answer on Cha Cha, the average gift or credit card weighs in at 0.2oz, or 5g.  Now, the average lump of coal weighs in at much more than 0.2oz -- any less than, say, one ounce, and you're not dealing with a lump of coal, you're dealing with a speck. So, just to make things easy, let's say every single person was good and they all got $20 to Old Navy this year on a gift card. And conservatively estimated, there's 6 billion -- with a "b" -- people on the planet. that comes to 1,200,000,000oz, or 75,000,000lbs -- roughly 37,500 TONS of gift cards.

According to WikiAnswers, the verified record for a two horse team pulling weight is 5,000lbs, or 2.5 tons -- and the distance isn't really explained, so there's no accounting for exhaustion or fatigue. This means that an 8 reindeer team (or 9, on particularly foggy nights) would have to make 15,000 trips to carry as many gift cards as are to be delivered to the 6 billion people of Earth (and this doesn't even take into account the logistics of time over distance, or distance from the North Pole)!!!

So, to account for this, either Santa is using way more than 8 (or 9) reindeer, or he's using SUPER STRONG DEMON REINDEER.

"Now Joe," you're thinking, "It's asanine to assume Santa and his reindeer are demons." OH IS IT?

CONSIDER!

  • "Santa" is an anagram of "Satan"!
  • Both Satan and Santa are seen wearing only red and black!
  • Both Satan and Santa have facial hair!
  • Reindeer have horns! Demons have horns!


Not enough evidence? Need me to math it up a bit? HERE YOU GO, some numerology for your FACE:

Santa's favorite saying: "Ho Ho Ho!"

H = 8th letter of the alphabet
O = 15th letter of the alphabet

8+15=23

2*3=6

Ho Ho Ho = 6 6 6 = NUMBER OF THE BEAST = BEST IRON MAIDEN SONG EVER...

...Wait a minute. Santa's not a demon at all -- we've just proved that Santa and his reindeer listen to Iron Maiden while they deliver their presents.

This makes PERFECT sense, you guys. I listen to Maiden when I work out. I get all hulky and strongish and feel superhuman the moment I hear "I was alone... My mind was blank..."

Wow. Just... wow. Oh, and fuck. That too.




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In other news, did you know that Google now offers "Reading Level" ratings in Advanced Search? Hmm, I wonder how I stack up?



It turns out, my blog is pretty much "basic." They say that's the sign of great writing. Okay, I say it is. So shut up. I hate you. You're a poopypants.