Dear Parents: Fuck You And Fuck Your Fucking Kids

Got your attention? Good.

This isn't meant for every parent on the planet. In fact, it's not meant for the majority of you who decided, on purpose or by accident, to propagate our species. The majority of you are fine, upstanding hard-working folk who I respect and like. You understand that life does not suddenly bend to your will because you hatched a kid. You're exempt. You're the model by which society should be measured.

But the rest of you -- and you know exactly who you are, because you fucking blog about it incessantly -- FUCK YOU. Fuck your kids. Fuck everything about you.

Why? Well, here's a perfect example of why. Two parents who decided to start yet another "Corporate America Owe Me Something!!!!" blog and twitter account because their baby had a diaper-exploding shitstorm (not even hyperbole, the article describes it as such) and the gate agent wouldn't let them on the plane.

They think that, because standby fare on another flight wasn't going to cut it and they -- by their own will -- bought fare on another carrier, Alaska Airlines owes them compensation for the fare.

Now, while I agree it's insanely good PR and a great way to keep your customer base happy by comping these two for their trouble, it's absolutely not an entitlement. First, the airlines -- ALL of them -- state explicitly in no fewer than 5 places that you should be at the gate 30 minutes before departure to board, and that anyone arriving 10 minutes before departure time is subject to losing their seat.

But these two don't agree. They think that because their kid had a shit that spilled out of the diaper and they had to go change it and missed the flight because of that, the airline should bend over for them. So, they started their "Alaska Airlines hates Families" blog and twitter and whatever (not linking it because fuck them), thinking they'll get the same kind of response that the "United Breaks Guitars" guy got.

It's not even remotely the same situation. To insinuate that "Alaska Airlines hates families" because you couldn't operate within the bounds of their policies is NOT the same as a careless baggage handler -- who was clearly a neanderthal -- breaking an expensive guitar due to carelessness. And now, you think that you can mediawhore and shame the airline into doing what you demand they should do because your kid shit itself and you were too stupid to a) change the diaper fast enough or b) wrap the kid up and change it in the airplane bathroom?

That's the attitude that makes me want to kill all of you. The whole "Well I have KIDS!" argument.

SOCIETY OWES YOU NOTHING. You're not doing the world a favor by making more of us, regardless of what you think. You don't have some special new insight to the way the world works. You don't suddenly get to speak for the rest of us about abortion or how precious life is or policy on flights or anything else. In fact, you actually owe us.

You owe us the courtesy of not bringing a shitstained screaming child on a plane, or into a theater, or a restaurant.

No, I don't think you should hibernate until your mueling little cabbage of a child is 18. Somehow, millions of parents the world over find a way to make this work. They go to matinees, or family-friendly restaurants, or DON'T TAKE THEIR FUCKING BABIES TO LAS VEGAS. They make it work.

It's those of you who think that the rules should change the second you hatch your spawn that need to just break off and form your own little country with it's own ruleset and get the fuck out of our lives. We'll set up firewalls and traffic shaping to keep us from having to deal with your bullshit blogs about how parenthood gives you some right to broadcast your newfound perspective on life, so don't worry about that.

But if you choose to stay here, in our society, you need to learn to behave. Your entitlement issues are not my problem. Learn to be a part of society and shut the fuck up, or don't, and shut the fuck up. Either way, just SHUT. UP.

To make it absolutely clear: ever meet a PETA member who won't leave you alone about eating meat? They want you to change everything about your diet and life to accommodate their beliefs about animal cruelty? You're just as bad. And if you're one of these kinds of parents AND you're a member of PETA, do yourself a huge favor and never, ever introduce yourself to me, because I'll slap the taste right out of your mouth.

And yes, fuck your kids, too. They're not my problem. They're not anyone else's problem. We don't need to love them or even accept them. We, the rest of the world (both spawners and the childless) have the right to life as we've come to know it. Your brand new addition does not suddenly enlist us into this new army of the All Children Are Special movement. All children AREN'T special. They may become special, but they're just not. They can't even control their bladders. You want me to give a shit because your little kid is somehow unique and different and whatnot? Show me how. Cute and drooling is not special, it's being a baby.

(Note: I DO think that children are, however, innocent, and it's not their fault that their parents are fucking shitheads. But hey, that's life -- you play the cards you're dealt, and for these particular kids, they came up with two Jokers. Sucks to be them).

And for all of you who are sitting there thinking to yourself "Boy, I can't WAIT until Joe has kids... Boy, will he figure out how wrong he is!" -- Fuck that. I'd make a horrible father, and I know that well enough not to inflict my spawn on the Earth. But more than that, if we ever DO have children, I'm going to raise them the way my father raised me when he adopted me -- as a part of the family, not the focus of the family.

Look, kids JOIN the world, not become the center of it, and shutting down shop to focus exclusively on them without regard to the rest of everything is your choice. Go for it. But don't think that that's normal or even an acceptable tact. It's selfish and stupid and causes blog posts like this one.