An Intentionally Vague Letter To Someone, For Someone Else

(A note: This isn't for me, per se.  It certainly draws upon some feelings I've had, but it's actually a piece written for someone else; my small way of trying to empower this person to be okay with how they're feeling right now. I imagine we've all had to face something from our pasts that tears our hearts out and throws them against the wall. This is my answer to that; saying it's perfectly fine to not turn the other cheek. While I do believe that "anger is letting them win," sometimes, that anger changes into something far more powerful for you than it ever could be for them. Sometimes, it's okay to not let it go. Sometimes, it's okay to want to tear someone's heart out and show it to them so they can see how it feels. That's what this is about.)

You want to know why I can't forgive you?

Because you can never, ever take back what you did to me. You can't make it right; you can't fix the problem. You can't heal the damage. I had to do that. I had to fix myself; I had to make myself whole after you tore me in half. You didn't even have the decency to stick around and watch. And now, these years later, you want to make amends?

What, you get to act however you want, exacting your will against me, disappear while I figure it all out, and then show up again when your soul gets the best of you and ask me if I'll let you off the hook?

You're a terrorist. You're only happy when those around you are in dischord. And the fact that I have to write this out for you is proof enough that youv'e not changed a bit... Your methods have. Why can't you just stay away? Why isn't one turn at screwing me up enough for you?

And you're not even brave enough to show up and ask me for permission to forgive yourself to my face (because that's what forgiveness is, after all... If you were even slightly human, you'd just forgive yourself without needing to involve me). Fuck you. I think you know how it'd turn out if you showed up here in person. I wouldn't be the only one who had to suffer through this. But you know that. You know enough to stay far enough away to keep safe, all the while lobbing your emotional ordinance at me.

The truth is, you shaped me. You shaped me through pain and torment. I scarred over in those places. I feel no pain there, but every time I see the mark, I remember how it all went down. And every time I do, I think about how I'd visit that pain upon you in a way I could be sure you felt it. Because I know you have no heart to break and no soul to trade away, it'd have to be physical. And that's why you stay far enough away.

Are you happy? Are you glad you had an effect on making me who I am? I hope so. I hope it was worth it. I hope it gives you some satisfaction; so that the entire exercise was not in vain.

But you didn't destroy me. Far from it. Yes, it felt that way at the time. It hurt so badly I wanted to end it all. I wanted to fall through the earth; I wanted to disappear. But as time passed and the distance between us grew, I pulled myself up and examined the rubble and rebuilt what I am... Only this time, I made myself stronger and more aware. I got to cut away the weak parts that you abused. I'm hardened. I'm reinforced. I will never allow anyone that kind of access again. 

I'm as over it as I can be. Parts of me still ache when I hear your name. But it still hurts; as you knew it would when you left. And now you're back.

For your sake, stay away. For what's left of what I felt for you that was good, I hope you'll keep your distance. Don't write me. Don't call me. Don't show up at my door. I still have enough love for you that I don't want what would happen to you to go down. I don't want to hurt you, no matter how badly you hurt me. Be satisfied with the damage you've already done. Don't think for a second it's alright for you to do any more, regardless of your motivations. 

You are poison. You are not welcomed. If you stay, YOU will be the one left hurt this time. 

This is your only warning.