How To Stop Sack-Tapping (And All Bullying)

I read this story on Fark.com today about a kid whose right testicle had to be amputated after a particularly vicious round of "Sack Tapping." For the uninitiated, "Sack Tapping" is the name bullies have given to the act of punching unsuspecting victims in the balls. It's pretty popular with the "OMG THE JACKASS GUYS ARE MY HEROES!" set in junior and high schools.

When I was in school, we had similar games, all intended to section our base monkey-brained selves into our relative positions in the herd based on how much pain we could take. There was "Buttermilk," where anyone who said a word beginning with the letter 'B' had to immediately say "Buttermilk" after it or risk being punched. There was "Open Chest," where anyone caught walking without something blocking or obscuring their chest (usually their left arm) was susceptible to being punched square in the middle of it. "Bloody Knuckles," "Mercy," and others - basically, boys being boys.

The thing is, in my day, you had to opt-in to those games, otherwise you were just being a fucking bully. And back then, being a bully brought with it the "respect" garnered from fear, meaning more milk money stolen and homework done for the alpha.

I think the YouTube generation has a whole new set of difficulties - namely, "clicks." These videos depict a pretty reprehensible thing, and those who find it funny love it, and those who find it disgusting watch it to see just how much they hate it. But clicks are garnered. So now, it's just as much a "fame" play as it is a dominance thing. Not that I think it should be censored or removed. That does no good. The bullying will continue.

So here's what I suggest to schools and administrations across the nation: Hire me.

Yes, that's right, me. Hire me to come to your school and seek out anyone who appears in a "Sack Tap" video (or any other video depicting bullying). Give me a signed document explicitly granting me permission to play the same game with your students. Hell, video it if you want, and run ads against the video on YouTube to help fund your school so you can quit firing teachers. I promise you - one shot to one kid's ballsack, and this shit will stop.

Or, if you can't afford me, FUCKING STOP IT YOURSELVES. You know what's going on, you assholes. You do, don't even pretend you don't. You know these kids are being tortured and beaten up. You CAN stop this shit. You can segment the parties involved and not allow them to partner up in your schools. You can force parents to pick up the bullies, or face manditory after-school suspension every single day that the parents' can't make it on time. You can get in their face and tell them to knock it the fuck off.

You can expel their asses.

You guys are the reason Dylan Klebold and Matt Harris shot up Columbine, you know. Yes, those kids were fucked up and needed all sorts of help... But they never got any, which is the point. The fact that they were driven to kill shows that they had fractured psyches, but what fractured them? I'd argue it wasn't just the bullying, it was the blind eye turned to it for years.

It's time that you guys quit being pussies and start protecting these kids. THEY NEED YOUR HELP. Quit arguing whether it's your job or not and just help a weaker person to stop being tormented. It's not about your job description, it's about your civility and your ability to be a decent human being.

Or, if you're really that weak and pathetic, sure, hire me. I'm cheap. In fact, all you pay for is transport and lodging for the one and only day you'll need me there.