A Goal Realized

So, I decided a few months ago that, by the end of Thanksgiving weekend, I wanted to weigh in at 260 lbs. As readers of this thing know, I've been hovering between 295lbs and 315lbs for quite a while - you have to weigh that much when you decide you want to go pushing gigantic guys around for a living.

But because I've moved on from the idea of playing pro football (since they cancelled the entire league the year I finally stood a chance), I really have no need to be that large and carry that weight. So, I turned to a new goal - I ran a half marathon Thanksgiving day, and I'll be running my first full marathon on January 7th. So, cutting weight is actually a really great goal.

But 260lbs (from 295lbs) in a month and a half a pretty aggressive goal (to do healthily, that is - I could crash diet, but that's really, really, really stupid). But through a program of diligent diet, continual training and just plain being stubborn, I'm proud to post the following, taken yesterday morning:

Go me.


What I'm Thankful For

You know what I'm thankful for?

I'm supposed to say "you, the readers" because I have a blog, and that's what all the bloggers are doing this year -- superficial "OMG I LOVE YOU ALL ON A DAY WITH 'THANKS' IN THE NAME" bullshit posts. Fuck that shit. It's just as stupid as only letting people know you love them on Valentine's Day. I tell you guys all the time how thankful I am for you, so, like, fuck it and stuff.

No. What I'm thankful for is bacon motherfucking gravy.

Yes, really, that's it. That's all I'm thankful for today. And if you've ever tasted bacon gravy, you know exactly why. And if you haven't... Get off your ass and go make some. The recipe is in that hyperlink I took the time and effort to make up there. And once you do, it's all you'll be thankful for, too.

Fuck all that lovey dovey Publix commercial holiday family bullshit. BACON. MOTHERFUCKING. GRAVY.

End of file.


Fake Meat Is Stupid, You Moron Hipster Vegan Retards

Tofu Corndogs:

Veggie Burgers:


Fake Bacon *shutter*

I won't even begin to discuss the actual science of us humans being omnivores who not only want, but NEED, to eat meat - all I'll say is that if you're craving something shaped, colored and flavored like meat, a vegan substitute is just lying to yourself.

Either eat flowers and berries and nuts and be happy, or put some meat in your gullet. Quit being a hypocrite.

Oh, and happy Thanksgiving.


I'm Excellent.


In other news, you can buy Certificates of Excellence at Target. They're $9.99.

Also, I have a LOT of blogging to catch up on, and will begin doing so... now.


John Cleese on Creativity

I fucking hate other peoples' advice on creativity.

There's no "but" in there. I hate it. I hate when writers talk about how if you go to Starbucks to write, you're not actually a writer, you just want to look like a writer. I hate when people offer exercises that are supposed to stimulate your creativity. I hate hate hate it. Creativity is a very personal and important aspect to any good product or process, and other peoples' ideas on how you're supposed to be creative bore the shit out of me.

Except John Cleese. Because he's a goddamn genius, and no one can argue about it. But it's not because I respect the man as a writer and performer that I feel this particular talk, sent to me by Jeremy, is absolutely foundational to any creative. It's because he never once talks about the process of generating material out of creativity, he only talks about fostering a process that allows you to be creative. It's a very important distinction, but it makes all the difference.

Please watch this:


What's In The Box?

So, I cut my own hair.

I know, shocker. But why the hell would I pay a barber to slap a No. 2 guard on a clippers and run it over my head when I can do that myself? Especially since I've been doing it myself since I was 16? That'd be silly, huh? So that's why I don't pay the barber. But all that money-saving I do every three weeks ends up taking its toll on the tools, and after my last haircut, my 16-year-old hair clippers bit the dust.

So while at Wal-Mart grocery shopping, I picked up this new clippers kit:

Deluxe Chrome Pro! Sounds nice, huh? And it comes with a nice leather pouch, and a bonus clipper... How great! What a fine way to spend $40 bucks! But I had JUST cut my hair, so I didn't need them right away. So I just plopped the box on the counter and let it sit there until I needed them.

And that time came last Monday. And I was actually almost giddy to use them - there's something fantastic about using new stuff, isn't there? It's exciting! I get that way about everything from these hair clippers to a new stick of deodorant. So you can imagine my immediate shock and disappointment when I opened the box and saw this:

Yeah, that thing at the bottom there? That's not a hair clippers. That's...

A Dean Koontz book. And along with it, was this bottle of Vitamin Water:

And to round it all out was a child's purse placed in the box to simulate the fine leather case that the clippers were supposed to come in:

And as a bonus, the purse was actually full of seashells:

...Yep. I got hornswaggled. I've been a victim of the old "box full o' other people's shit from where they stole the hair clippers" scam.

I feel silly. Not just because of this, but because my hair has also crossed into "shaggy" territory. I look downright unkempt. And I'm pretty sure Wal-Mart won't let me return this, given it's been so long since I bought it (and I can't find the damn receipt).

But hey... SEASHELLS!


Preorder my book today, get a free 2nd autographed copy!

Tomorrow, my first ever major published book will be released by Penguin books.

Today, I asked the nice people who read my website and twitter and faceybooky thing and Fark to help me make a last-day splash on preorders. I wanted to ride a good momentum into the release date. And because I know a LOT of my readers were holding off until the book is out to get a signed copy, I have made an offer: Preorder my book today, email me the Amazon receipt and your address, and I'll send you a 2nd autographed copy, free (I'll also honor this for anyone who has already preordered the book).

Holy. Crap. You guys are so awesome!!!

***UPDATE 5:07pm ***

Can you guys believe I'm #2 in Humor again? I'm also #2 in Essays - I've beaten out two David Sedaris books!!!