Somebody Said Something Nice About Me

It's rare, but sometimes, people like the silly things I do. And I'm so very very honored that none other than Mr. William McKeen, professor and chairman of The University of Florida Department of Journalism, said some really nice stuff about my new book.

I thought I'd share that. If for no other reason than to prove that sometimes it does happen.

Also, I totally got in trouble today on the set of SportsNation at ESPN in Bristol for drinking coffee on the set. I feel like a douche, but hey, it wouldn't be me if it didn't involve a) blatantly breaking a rule plastered on no fewer than 4 signs, and b) making a bad impression the first time I ever show up somewhere.



Seriously, I have been clicking "Check for Update" in iTunes all goddamn afternoon waiting for this much-vaunted MMS update for iPhone. This is serious business, people, because I have some pictures I need to send to friends and family for their PHONES!

have never in my life wanted to send a picture mail more than I do right now. I have all these pictures of my cats, and people NEED TO SEE THEM!

NEED! I FUCKING SAID NEED! Because they're CAT pictures and people LOVE cat pictures and I haven't been able to send any for like months since I moved to iPhone!

You see that fucking picture of that cat? That's Tiny Tim, and there are people in my life who need to see him being so fucking cute on that cat stand! And they CANNOT because they don't read my BLOG!

See Jake there? Jake is so fucking cool, and I can't share him with people who I know who won't read my blog! And the only way for me to fufil their need is to send that damn picture via MMS! AT&T DOESN'T WANT CUTE CAT PICTURES TO BE IN THE HANDS OF THOSE WHO NEED THEM MOST - the people who I love but who don't love me enough to read my blog!

MEWTOO IS TOO GODDAMN FAT TO FIT IN THIS CAT STAND! And I can't show my sister, who won't read my blog, because it doesn't contain any relevant information and she can't be bothered - so how the fuck else is she going to see this FAT FUCKING CAT in this cat stand?

Chewbacca is using Cloud as a pillow! THIS IS TOO FUCKING CUTE NOT TO SHARE! I stayed up all night last night getting all these pictures ready for today's big MMS update so I can send them to my sister who will be so thankful! And it's not here yet! WHERE THE FUCK IS IT!

LOOK AT ORANGE JULIUS! He's yawning, and cat yawns are cute, and cute cat yawn picutres make days go by faster and much more pleasant! And my friends and my family who refuse to read my blog can't get these pictures without MMS!



*** UPDATE 3:06PM ***

I thought I'd share with you guys the first MMS I sent (to Jeremy) after the service went live:

*** UPDATE 3:25PM ***

So I Twittertweeted about my first MMS. This guy then asks:

...That's not at all disturbing. Nope, not at all. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to sit sobbing in the shower hoping all the icky will wash away.


The Best Internet Prank Ever

So, everyone's all atwitter about the red dust storm covering Sydney, Australia right now:

(click the pic to go to the gallery)

But I know what's really going on.

A group of internet-minded photographers and twitterers decided to red-tint all their photos, submit them to twitpic and flicker, and claim on the net that Sydney had turned red. The press in Sydney is going along with it, because hey, the entire continent is criminal-minded anyway.

It's the biggest internet prank ever.


Dvorak: Smart on Software, STUPID on Comics

Today's Dvorak Uncensored discusses whether or not Disney got screwed on its recent purchase of Marvel:

As we’ve all heard by now, Disney bought Marvel for about 4 billion dollars. At first blush it seems like a deal made in heaven. Disney makes movies and superhero movies are hot right now.

However, due to prior contracts Marvel had with other movie studios, Disney is essentially unable to make any Marvel superhero movies for a very long time, maybe even forever.

...DVORAK! Dude, what the fuck? How can you be so stupid?

Comparing this to the Ebay deal for Skype is misguided at best. This isn't like software licensing or ownership - there's no outside copyright interest in this deal. Marvel has made a business out of owning creator's rights to any and all properties created for Marvel. This is very well known, and was the very reason Image was created.

Sure, as you note, the other studios get to make the movies. So what?

Now, Disney gets the liscensing and royalty fees, the profits from sales of merchandising, and full market share on increased interest in source material (the actual comics and graphic novels). Plus, it gets the jump on new graphic novel source material (now that graphic novels are essentially Hollywood's brand new darling and are being written almost as storyboards for movies, look for Marvel to launch a "Vertigo-like" imprint in earnest, much like it had Epic back in the late 80's - early 90's).

You're a smart dude. But on this, you made a very dumb leap, assuming software liscensing is anything even remotely like likeness, trademark and character ownership.


The Only Times Being A Geek Comes In Handy: Superman Question


Liz: Ok, I need an answer here... does the Superman theory work in reverse? I.e. if I was to go to Krypton and bask in the rays of the red sun, would I gain extraordinary powers? Aside from the power of being a dork, I mean.

Joe Peacock: I am pretty sure you'd become more weak. If red sun planet being grows in strength with the yellow sun, that would mean we're tolerant at a baseline of (ysun), while they are tolerant at a baseline of (rsun) - meaning (ysun) > (rsun) in terms of strength benefit. To go from (ysun) to (rsun) would be to diminish whatever quality gained from the rays of the sun... Making you weaker.

I need to get laid.


Alanis Morrisette's "Ironic" Really IS Ironic

I was griping at my wife, who loves Alanis Morrisette (for whatever stupid reason), about how "Ironic" really isn't ironic at all. Now, I'm not as bad as, say, the Fark.com Irony Police when it comes to what truly is and is not ironic, but I do believe that all words have a purpose, and should whenever possible be used appropriately.

And not a single instance of "Ironic" in Alanis's song "Ironic" is used appropriately. Behold:

(Seriously, you don't have to listen. It's just here for reference.
Don't damage your day any further than it may already be.)

Okay, so, let's take a look at the lyrics in play here:

  • An old man turned ninety-eight, He won the lottery and died the next day
This is not at all ironic. This is a man dying of old age, who had at least one day of extraordinary luck.

  • It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
This is just gross. Not ironic.

  • It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
This is poor timing. Or, a judge with impeccable comedic timing. But hardly ironic.

  • It's like rain on your wedding day
This is poor planning.

  • It's a free ride when you've already paid
This is failure to read signs properly.

  • It's the good advice that you just didn't take
This is either stupidity or stubbornness.

  • Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly, He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye, He waited his whole damn life to take that flight, And as the plane crashed down he thought 'Well isn't this nice...'
This is unfortunate - both in the fact that the poor guy died on his first ever flight, and that he was such a pussy he couldn't get on a plane on a day before that day so that maybe he could have enjoyed a vacation or two before, you know... Dying.

  • It's a traffic jam when you're already late
Leave on time. Again, poor planning.

  • It's a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
Just because you chose to call it a cigarette break doesn't mean that your location has to support smoking. Maybe call it a coffee break - now the "No Smoking" sign is irrelevant, isn't it?

  • It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
This sounds more like an obsessive-compulsive victim with way too much money to spend on spoons. Still not ironic. You can do most anything with a spoon that you can with a knife, including open boxes or kill a man. It's just a little harder, is all.

  • It's meeting the man of my dreams, And then meeting his beautiful wife
Your dreams suck.

As you see, there's not a single instance of actual irony in Alanis Morrisette's "Ironic." And that, my friends is what hit me this morning - it's absolutely genius. It's meta on a scale we didn't really see back in 1996. This song is actually ironic. It's called "Ironic" and features no actual irony... Which is ironic.

Don't you think?


Preorder My New Book, Darn It! (Updated!)

UPDATE: as of 12:15AM 9.14.09, I'm #5000(ish) on Amazon overall and #13 in Humor! I'm beating out Flying Spaghetti Monster and F My Life! That's INSANE!

UPDATE 2: as of 12:36PM 9.14.09, I'm at #1762 overall and #6 in Humor! WHAT THE HELL! This is so great... I don't deserve you guys. Seriously you all ROCK.

UPDATE 3: and now, it's 2:23PM 9.14.09 and were at #1148 and #5 in humor. I am seriously stunned.

UPDATE 4: ...holy shit. #3 in Humor on Amazon, #813 overall. Like... I don't even know what to say.

UPDATE 5: I have officially run out of ways to say "I don't know what to say." It's #2 in humor on Amazon now. All I can say is thank you everyone.

UPDATE 6: I bet you're sick of these. Anyway, hanging strong at #2 in Humor, but check it out: #646 overall, and #4 in both satire categories. THIS IS NUTS

So check this out: The new book is now available for presale on Amazon.com!

Isn't that rad?

So some other info:

The book comes out November 3, 2009. The official Book Release Party is going to be November 7, 2009 in Atlanta, with a location TBA. RSVPs can be made at the MI Facebook fan page or in the RSVP thread in the MI forums. I would LOVE to see you there!

There will be book signings through Christmas, then again starting in January next year. If you have a city you'd like me to come hang out in and be all authory, just contact me and let me know.

And lastly, new stories and a new redesign of MentallyIncontinent.com start next week. Be on the look out.

I love you.


iPhone's Predictive Text is Dirrrrrrty

I was trying to express to my friend Meg that I finally got what she was talking about by typing "Ooooooh."

This is what iPhone thought I meant:

I think the thing that threw me the most is the number of "o's" in "Pooooooooooop." Who the fuck... You know what? Nevermind. Don't want to know.

Also, thanks to my buddy Shawn Hill for teaching me that hitting the top button and the main button at the same time takes a screenshot.


My New Favorite Shirt (updated)

I stumbled on a custom embroidery booth at DragonCon today. I didn't like any of the designs they had, but the staff were so damn friendly, I had to buy something. I asked them how much it cost, and they said $32.40 with tax. So I picked the pinkest thread they had and had them make this for me:

It's definitely my new favoritest shirt ever.


Am I The Only Person In America Who Didn't Like District 9?

Spoilers and shit below. You have been warned.

District 9 had good graphics. Yay.

District 9 had neat weapons. Good.

District 9 was shot well and had beautiful art direction and innovative storytelling and blah blah blah - did Peter Jackson actually just spend $30 million to tell me that apartheid is bad?

Seriously... Did this man just re-film Enemy Mine in the style of Cloverfield with better graphics to tell me it's bad to segregate, isolate, dehumanize and abuse an entire race of people? This really needed a full 2 hours to talk about?

Peter, U2 solved this problem back in the 80's, for fuck's sake! Mandella was freed in 1990 - starting off one of our greatest decades! Shit is fucking 19 years old, man. We get it - humans are dicks, and they are scared of things not like themselves. This was your plot?

I'm sorry folks, I know that District 9 is the big geek jerkoff this summer. But really, this wasn't a very good movie. It was a great reel for graphics professionals, and a fantastic opportunity to lampoon Hitler by way of a bumbling powerhungry South African with a tiny dick. But a good movie?

This fucker got rocket fuel in his eyes, and it morphed him into an alien being.

Rocket. Fucking. Fuel. Turned this guy into an alien. That's like huffing gas and becoming a turtle. And we're supposed to just buy that? He suddenly abandons his human need to use the toilet and is compelled to eat cat food... Yet he still loves his wife undyingly. AWWWWW UNDERNEATH ALL OUR COMPLEXITY WE'RE ALL THE SAME REALLY. Go fuck yourself.

Look, I want to be told a story. I don't want to be jerked off and made to feel superior because I, an audience member, can TOTALLY see the allegory to real human situations in a movie that's supposed to suspend my disbelief. And even if I did, I definitely don't want to see an evil dick turn into the hero because he just became that which he hates - because NO ONE suddenly sees the light when they realize they're becoming that which they hate... Not in real life, anyway. Usually they just put a shotgun between their teeth and struggle to get their toes into the pistol guard.

District 9 is a 6 at best, and I'm being generous. This movie does NOT rank in the upper echelons of sci-fi movie history. Blade Runner. Aliens. Star Wars. 2001. These movies instill awe every time you watch them, and are timeless and legendary. District 9 will NOT be in our collective consciousness in a few years, I guarantee it.


My New Favorite Shirt

I stumbled on a custom embroidery booth at DragonCon today. I didn't like any of the designs they had, but the staff were so damn friendly, I had to buy something. I asked them how much it cost, and they said $32.40 with tax. So I picked the pinkest thread they had and had them make this for me:

A quick WTF story from DragonCon...

So, I'm sitting in High Velocity's glassy box VIP whatever thing at the Mariott Hotel with a bunch of really great folks (Tony Shasteen, Nightmare Armor Studio guys, my buddies Alec and Shawn, and a ton of other great people). We all totally scammed our way in - we made buddies with one of the servers at the restaurant last night, and she totally lied about how much we'd be spending to let us in. It was fairly awesome.

Now, the thing about Con is that random people walk into wherever you are, and suddenly someone will go "HEY!" and get up and talk and then introduce whoever it is to the rest of everyone. It's a really chill environment, full of bonding and happiness and whatever else you need to hear to get the point that good things happen. And while we're all sitting there swapping stories and laughing, this guy walked in dressed as a satyr (the pan-flute goatboy kind) but with tennis shoes, holding one of his horns in his hand.

We all kinda nod and acknowledge him, all of us assuming someone else in that room knows who he is. And hell, EVERYONE'S in costumes of some sort (except me - I'm my own costume, with this Akira sleeve and whatever). So it's really no big deal... Until the guy opened his mouth.

"I can't get my horn back on," he says during a natural lull in the conversation.

One of us offered the suggestion of glue. He says "You know, this one time, I ate out a girl for 7 hours, and she told me afterward that she had herpes."

Just like that.

The room was stone silent, except for the dull buzz of the low-volume television in the corner. "Dude," someone said after a few seconds, "Who in this room do you know?"

"No one," he replied. "I just came in here to put my horn back on."

There was nothing else to say. He had just topped any and all stories that could have possibly been told the rest of the night, in two sentences.

WTF, furpants?


On Not Caring What Other People Think

We all have our defenses and our cast-away statements we make when we want to pretend we don't care what people think. And we all care what people think... Most of the time. About what we say, or what we look like... We all care. It's natural to care. Only a sociopath actually doesn't care.

In my case, I tend to say whatever comes to my mind. I give a pretty pure reaction to anything that happens around me. I do so honestly, not because I want to inflict myself on anyone, or prove how "edgy" I am, or live up to some strange ideal of honesty in how I react to people. I simply don't have that little trap that is supposed to sit at the faucet of speech.

And of course, there's a LOT of times I've said some shit that's really offended people. It's happened more than it probably does with the average person. And because I can't really control it, I've learned to defend myself internally with the "well fuck them if they can't handle it" line. But I don't really think that. I do care what people think about the things I say and do. I've just learned how to get past caring and do it anyway.

I'm always concerned with how people see me. I'm abnormally large. I'm absolutely fine with my form - there's not much changing it, aside from losing some more fat bits. But fat or not fat, I'm still a gigantic person. And I'm happy with that person. I like being that person. That doesn't stop me from caring what other people see when they see this person.

But I've began to notice something, and I'm not sure if it's a "coming of age" thing or just something that I've always done, but never paid attention to. I've found that there are moments in my day when I actually don't care what anyone thinks, about what I know or say, or what I look like.

When I'm talking about something I know a tremendous amount about (Akira, or comic books, or information architecture, or how to use a power drill), and someone tries to confront one of my facts, I couldn't possibly care less about hurting that person's feelings with the truth. I actually do not care what they think, because what I'm saying is honest. There's no disputing it. You can argue with me if you want, but one of my character traits is that I spend as much time as I have to to know everything that I can possibly know about something I'm interested in. I know how many hours I put into knowing these things, and how many sources I've double and triple checked my information against. And anyone arguing with me about it falls into two categories:

a) they've read old material, or only one source, and think they're an expert because they shortcut the process, or

b) they legitimately know something I do not yet know.

The percentages of one to two is something on the order of 99.99998% to 0.00002%. And when I run into a b), its their worst nightmare, because I squeeze them like a sponge to learn everything I can possibly get out of them about whatever it is I don't yet know.

And when I'm at the gym or on the football field and I'm absolutely completely drained physically - soaked with sweat, covered in grass or dirt, and huffing and puffing... Arguably at my "ugliest" - I just don't care what anyone else sees when they see me. I can't. I feel too damn good.

I wish for everyone the ability to be an expert in something and to feel their best. I wish I could give that to everyone I know; that feeling of not having to think about how much they don't care what other people think, because they actually DON'T.

Maybe I'm just strange though. Maybe everyone already doesn't, and I'm just the weird obsessive guy who does.


Talk About Getting A Buzz... (Akira cel stuff)

As regular readers know, I'm kind of a fan of Akira. On occasion, I'll buy cels and artwork from the movie (if by "on occasion" you mean "the very second they go up for sale on any and all auction sites worldwide). And when an alert came up last night that four original cels from Akira appeared on eBay, I had to do a double-take.

Three of the four come from full sequence runs I acquired from a massive collection buy I made a while back. In fact, they're the only few that are missing from each of those scene cuts. So I knew I had to have them.

(folks who saw my webcast of the "Akira cel unboxing" a few weeks ago will recognize the Tetsuo On Throne, Kai vs. Tetsuo and Colonel vs Tetsuo cels as members of the cut stacks I was showing off. The bottom one with Masaru, Kiyoko and Takashi, I have several of - but not the entire cut).

I contacted the seller to find out if he'd consider selling all four in one auction using Buy It Now. We talked via instant messenger, and during the conversation, he mentioned he was a comic book artist. Being a huge comic book geek myself, I asked if I'd know his work from anywhere. Expecting him to tell me that he's done a few self-published pieces and perhaps a pin-up or two, I was absolutely blown away when it turned out that I was dealing with none other than Buzz.

I'll spare the fanboy drooling and rundown of his entire dossier, as you can easily click that link up there and figure it out yourself - except to say that my junior year of high school, I studied Vengence of Vampirella for nearly two months, trying to achieve some of the line thickness techniques he used. I have a good bit of his JSA material on my shelves downstairs. And here I am, haggling with him over IM over one of my big passions, Akira artwork.

It's just... I can't even tell you how amazing it was to not only score three pieces that fill HUGE holes in my collection, but to score them from one of my comic book influences from my youth. How great life can be sometimes...