Pumpkin Muffins Are Violence-Enablers

I wanted to surprise my wife this morning with pumpkin muffins topped with a gingerbread butter icing.

I slowly slinked out of bed, carefully removing her arm from my chest like Indiana Jones did the idol in the Mayan shrine. I let the dogs out in the murky cold rain and began prepping the muffins, only to discover that I was not only out of milk, but also eggs. So after letting them in and toweling them off, I set off to Publix to grab the aforementioned necessaries.

I was freezing, mostly because of my very poor choice of footwear - a pair of Adidas flipflops. I figured I was just going to run in and run out, but the cold wet morning made it much more of a slog through hell... And the lack of jacket and close parking didn't help.

As I was walking to the door, I saw a man who I swear to God, if I didn't already know he's too much of a jackass to do his own shopping, I'd think was Kanye West... Shutter shades and all. And beside him was the shortish, mid-50's checkout clerk I've known for years at the store pushing this man's cart full of groceries out the door to his car. Now, I'm pretty sure just seeing that this fuckstick had a woman pushing a cart out into the cold rain to haul his groceries for him was enough to get me to start barking, but what really set it off is when I saw him pull out the umbrella... And hold it only over himself.

If I was on the witness stand, this is the part where I'd say "I don't remember doing this, I was out of my mind." Because I mostly was. But I marched over to the pair and immediately yelled "What the FUCK, man?"

Dude cocked his cocky head my way. The clerk was taken aback - she knew who I was, but we aren't on conversational terms or anything, just pleasant hellos and goodbyes and whatnot when I shop. So seeing me in this light probably startled her.

"Wha?" The guy barely managed to squeek out.

"Why the fuck is she pushing your groceries out to your car, you fucking jackass?" I half-asked, half demanded. "It's not like you can't push a fucking cart yourself - and why couldn't you at least offer that umbrella to her?"

He couldn't answer. He tried, but I didn't let him.

"Fucking... Lady, let that cart go!" I yelled to her. "Let this dude, push his own shit!"

Now, it's her job to push groceries out to the car when requested. Her JOB. She was doing what earned her her paycheck. I understand this logically. But there's something incredibly disgusting about entitlement - I hate it, all of it. No one is entitled to a fucking thing on this Earth, and when you're a healthy male capable of pushing a wheeled basket out to a car and you opt to let an older, much smaller woman do it for you, I just don't CARE what rationalizations you have for the task, it's wrong.

The two looked at each other, then it looked like he was about to turn back to me and say something. He could have even been saying "Okay" and agreeing that he had made a bad choice. But again, I didn't let him. "Fucking NOW, jackass!" I said.

He put his umbrella in the basket, took control of the buggy, and began walking straight ahead. The clerk didn't have a clue what to think, much less what to say. I just went on into the store to finish making muffins for my wife.

That was my morning. How was yours?