Coffee Snobs Can Enjoy The Complex Flavors of DEEZ NUTS

Hi there, coffee snobs. You know who you are.

It's about time someone calls you on your bullshit. Fuck you and your complex flavors and your aromas and your delicate blend nonsense. I'm glad you've found your way around your own pallette to enjoy a bittery black fluid as some sort of delicate vintage of fermented beverage. But really, if you've found time in your day to roast your own beans to the perfect color, grind them with a titanium burr-grinder to the perfect kernel size, brew them at exactly the right temperature and enjoy the complex flavors of the perfectly brewed cup of coffee, you're not doing enough with your life.

Get the fuck out of your retardo selfish life and go volunteer at a homeless shelter for an afternoon. You'll soon figure out that the perfect cup of coffee is the one you can afford to drink right this very second.

Now, don't get me wrong - weak-as-piss, overbrewed crap coffee makes me gag. And I absolutely do prefer a well-brewed cup of coffee to a watery hodge-podge of soaked grounds that's been warmed to room temperature - this is why I like Starbucks and not Waffle House. The coffee is strong, stout and tasty. But there's a very fine line between crap, "something made correctly" and "something taken to its unnatural, elitist extremes." See-thru coffee = crap. Starbucks = correctly made. What you guys are doing... Well, I think you've gotten the point by now.

And no matter how well the coffee is made, there's no point in drinking the shit black. It's bitter and gross. I absolutely require cream and sugar in my coffee - it's how I like my drink. It's tasty. It makes me happy, and it speeds the delivery of caffeine to my system, which is coffee's purpose. It's high-octane and legal and makes me a better person. The flavor is something you tolerate until you learn to enjoy it. Humanity's relationship with coffee is a multi-generational case of Stockholm Syndrome with a beverage. It holds us hostage, and we learn to love it. Case closed. Any attempt to find delicacies in a cup of coffee makes you a fucking prick.

I'm not sorry. Shut the fuck up already and let me drink my coffee.