9.10.2009

Am I The Only Person In America Who Didn't Like District 9?

Spoilers and shit below. You have been warned.

District 9 had good graphics. Yay.

District 9 had neat weapons. Good.

District 9 was shot well and had beautiful art direction and innovative storytelling and blah blah blah - did Peter Jackson actually just spend $30 million to tell me that apartheid is bad?

Seriously... Did this man just re-film Enemy Mine in the style of Cloverfield with better graphics to tell me it's bad to segregate, isolate, dehumanize and abuse an entire race of people? This really needed a full 2 hours to talk about?

Peter, U2 solved this problem back in the 80's, for fuck's sake! Mandella was freed in 1990 - starting off one of our greatest decades! Shit is fucking 19 years old, man. We get it - humans are dicks, and they are scared of things not like themselves. This was your plot?

I'm sorry folks, I know that District 9 is the big geek jerkoff this summer. But really, this wasn't a very good movie. It was a great reel for graphics professionals, and a fantastic opportunity to lampoon Hitler by way of a bumbling powerhungry South African with a tiny dick. But a good movie?

This fucker got rocket fuel in his eyes, and it morphed him into an alien being.

Rocket. Fucking. Fuel. Turned this guy into an alien. That's like huffing gas and becoming a turtle. And we're supposed to just buy that? He suddenly abandons his human need to use the toilet and is compelled to eat cat food... Yet he still loves his wife undyingly. AWWWWW UNDERNEATH ALL OUR COMPLEXITY WE'RE ALL THE SAME REALLY. Go fuck yourself.

Look, I want to be told a story. I don't want to be jerked off and made to feel superior because I, an audience member, can TOTALLY see the allegory to real human situations in a movie that's supposed to suspend my disbelief. And even if I did, I definitely don't want to see an evil dick turn into the hero because he just became that which he hates - because NO ONE suddenly sees the light when they realize they're becoming that which they hate... Not in real life, anyway. Usually they just put a shotgun between their teeth and struggle to get their toes into the pistol guard.

District 9 is a 6 at best, and I'm being generous. This movie does NOT rank in the upper echelons of sci-fi movie history. Blade Runner. Aliens. Star Wars. 2001. These movies instill awe every time you watch them, and are timeless and legendary. District 9 will NOT be in our collective consciousness in a few years, I guarantee it.