It's great news, actually! It's pleasing to your immortal soul, and it will truly make your day! I speak of course about Heaven and how you can get there! It's a magical land full of whimsy and awesome and it can be a place you go to if you really really want to! So how do you get into Heaven, you may ask? Well, it's simple! You take a trip to where Heaven is!
It's at Sam's Club! And it's CHEAP!
THAT'S RIGHT ONE FUCKING POUND OF BEEF JERKY! And it's like nine dollars forty nine cents only! At the gas stations it's like 6 bucks for 4 ounces of the stuff, and here I found a POUND OF DRIED COW for less than ten dollars US currency!
Do you understand what this means? Do you realize the impact of such a discovery? I am no longer eating off the food pyramid they taught me about in kindergarten or whatever that shit was where I played with blocks and colored penguins blue and whatever! I'm eating NOTHING BUT BEEF JERKY because that shit is the tits!
A statistical analysis of why I eat only beef jerky now: