No, Mr. AT&T Guy, I Expect You To DIE!

Okay, so those of you who follow me on Twitter and whatnot know that I flew headlong into a profanity-laced tirade regarding AT&T and their penchant for putting penises in their mouths. This is because I got home after a week of driving across the country and was exhausted, but still had a lot of work to do -- and my DSL was slower than Christmas for a sixth-grader. So when I called to ask what the hell was up, the outsourced tech support couldn’t understand anything I was saying (and the feeling was mutual). 

So, an AT&T tech came out this afternoon to assess the situation. And because I’ve been gone for a week, our house is a wreck. We haven’t had a chance to change the cat boxes, and there’s tufts of dog fur floating around the hardwoods downstairs. So I was mortally embarassed to allow the man into my home. Also, all of my internal tests last night (and prior experience with exactly these symptoms a month ago) have me at about 99.9% sure the problem is outside. So when he called, I told him I wasn’t actually at the house (my truck is parked across the street by the woods, since Andrea had to use the whole driveway to unload stuff from her car last night).  He said he could check from outside, and if he needs to get inside, I can reschedule.

As I write this, I'm watching him on my security cameras as he walks around to the various phone company related boxes scattered here and there, working on the problem. And just a moment ago, he stepped in an anthill and reacted as anyone would (poorly), dancing a bit and brushing ants off his pant leg. 

It looked like he stepped in a trap. And there I am, in my upstairs office, watching him on my monitors and cackling at his misfortune. 

The entire point of this post: I have never, ever in my life felt more like a Bond villain than I do right now.

(I feel that I should mention that, to his credit, once he heard I wasn't home he could have just turned around and left and pretended he worked on it, and he didn't. Kudos, AT&T guy.)