Fine, CNN, If You're Going To Be Like That...

Damn you CNN! I thought we was boys! I thought we was down like four flat! Tight like hallways, tighter than fades!

Oh yeah? Well, why the HELL didn't you call ME for this article on sneaker collecting? I mean, shit... I live right down the road from you. You've used me in articles before... What the hell, man? You know I pay insane amounts of money for old school kicks... And the rest of the internet knows it too! Who better to feature in your article? 

This is a diss, man. Straight up. See if I invite you to my next barbeque... I'm totally erasing you from my favorites on my phone. 

But yeah, I am a sneakerhead. The British Knights that arrived last week makes the 115th pair of sneakers I own. I am a huge sucker for reissues of shoes that either a) I had growing up (4 or 5 pairs) or b) I really, really wanted but couldn't afford (the rest of them). When I was a little kid, we were poooooooooooooooor. My mom could afford a new pair of shoes once a year, and they were always the "not quite the cheapest but almost there" shoes from K-mart, like Traxxx or McGregor. I'd wear holes in the damn things within 6 weeks, and had to duct tape them together. 

When I figured out how to start a lawn mower, around age 12, I began mowing lawns for extra money during the summer. I'd always use that money to buy a fly pair of kicks and some sort of Starter something-or-another, usually emblazoned with the Cincinnati Bengals logo. I can name every single pair of shoes I owned from age 12 until I graduated high school. 

I once got in-school suspension for beating up three guys who conspired to steal my CB94's (Charles Barkley's 94 Nike Air). They stole them out of my locker during PE my junior year in high school. I literally threatened every single kid in school until I finally found out it was them. 

I was an office aide for three of the four years I was in high school, so I had access to all sorts of awesome privileges. One of my jobs was to deliver messages to students left by their parents during the day. So during my office period (I believe it was first period that year), I went to each of their classrooms, said that they needed to go to the office, and escorted each one of them to the boys' restroom and beat the holy hell out of them, one by one. I should have been suspended for at least 10 days. But that's the beauty of being an office aide. I got three days of in-school. 

Unfortunately, they'd already sold them off to some guy, so I never got them back. But they were reissued in 2006, and I bought all three color variations. See, that's the beauty of being an adult with a job - you get to buy your childhood back whenever you want.