Celebrisocial Media (and why it sucks)

This is what's ruining the internet:

Holy fucking shit! If I add yet another hash mark on Vin Diesel's e-belt, I MIGHT get a response from the fucking mongoloid! It's awesome, cause up until now, I didn't think the goon had the intelligence to be able to figure out that pushing the buttons on a keyboard actually creates words! Wow, sign me the FUCK up!

Or don't. Either way, Vin won't actually give a shit. And Shaquille O'Neal couldn't possibly care less about what you ate for lunch, so feel free to twitter it at him all day long - you'll get nothing in response. Oprah's on twitter now, and it's not because she's ready to hear anything whatsoever about you or your boring life. Same with Ashton Kutcher, Brittany Spears, that fuckstick who plays Dwight on The Office or anyone else making millions off your attention. And don't even get me started on the goddamn Barenaked Ladies (I can't even bring myself to link them, for fear someone might follow them and add to their e-ego).

You see, these people aren't involved in Social Networking. They just want numbers. And not just any numbers - big fat long numbers with lots of commas in them. And they want these numbers because the numbers they USED to care about - Neilson, Billboard, box office - they're slipping into oblivion. They're no longer useful as metrics for how much these egomaniacs are adored. So they've decided to go right to the source. They want YOU to let THEM know how much you adore them - and they've decided to reward you with the sense that maybe - JUST MAYBE!!!! - if you do add them to your little list of timewasting phenomenon, they might interact with YOU!

YOU'LL BE SPECIAL! Because Ashton Kutcher just might say on his Twitter "@joethepeacock: yeah right". Of course, it's because he actually wants to engage you in conversation! He wants to know all about you! He read your entire profile before he sent that! He knows your cat's name is Chairman Meow (and thinks you're goddamn original for that, since NO ONE HAS EVER NAMED THEIR CAT AFTER THE DECEASED CHINESE LEADER WHO'S NAME SOUNDS LIKE THE NOISE A CAT MAKES!!!! EVER!!!!). He knows you listend to Depeche Mode all day yesterday, cause he read all 112 of your tweets about how the songs make you feel! You, my friend, are HIS friend.

Or not.

That's not to say there aren't people out there who are on Twitter or Facebook who are well known (or actually famous) who won't engage you in meaningful conversation. Leo Laporte? That guy has his shit together. Trent Reznor? He's not in it for the tally, he genuinely loves technology and getting to know his fans. The big difference is when and why they got on the platform. If it's because they're honest geeks and checked it out and liked it, fine. If it's cause they're actually engaging with fans (Jessica Alba's infamous staring contest on that video site is a great example), fine. But carrying forward this entire hero-worship bullshit into a realm designed to interact with one another solely for the sake of ego-building? That's not only disingenuous, it's disgusting.

And @The_Real_Shaq can suck my diq.