Joe's One Step Guide To Not Dating A Complete Dickhead (For The Ladies)

Hi there, ladies. This one's just for you.

Have you ever met a guy and thought "Wow, this guy might be great, but I wonder... Is he actually a Dickhead?" Perhaps you were at a bar and some guy introduced himself to you, or you're at a hockey game and he turned around to high-five anyone who would return it, noticed you, and struck up conversation. Whatever the situation, I'm sure you've had this little internal dialogue at some point in your life.

There is a very simple, one-step process to immediately determining if this guy might be a Dickhead. Simply ask yourself one question:

Is he in sales?

If the answer is "yes," he's a Dickhead.

Now, that's not to say that guys who are not in sales aren't Dickheads. There are a great many who are. But it's a de-facto law of the human condition that, if he IS in sales, he IS a dickhead. 

He will bore you with tales of sales conquests. He will be glued to his Blackberry. He will call you "babe." He will wear Crocs. He will wear t-shirts over collared shirts.  He will laugh at Will Ferrell videos (not the classic ones, but the crap he's making on that ridiculous Funny Or Die thing). He will spill his beer on you at any sporting event you attend together after your initial mating ritual. He will eat at Hooters. He will flirt (and possibly cheat on you) with girls who work at Hooters. He will take golf seriously. His frat brothers will be over at the house ALL THE TIME, quoting Swingers (God forbid you actually have a Sega Genesis and a copy of NHL '96 in the house...). He will attempt to go hunting with that one "real man" who is the VP of something at his company, misapply the doe scent, and leave you to wash it out of the fabric of the minivan. He will name his first-born male Chet or Blake. He will eventually die of cirrhosis of the liver from drinking away the voices in his head that whisper to him about the lie his life has become and the waste of skin that he is. You do not want him.

You're welcome.