Impotent rage

You ever just want to haul off and hit someone?

Not just anyone, mind you... Someone deserving, like a person who flicks their cigarette butt out of the window on the highway, or the guy who yells at a server in a restaurant just because he can, or that jerkoff in front of you who stopped at a yellow light and wouldn't let you go through because he's a timid fucktard?

And what sucks so much about it is that, even though ALL of us feel this way from time to time (let's be honest - most of the time), if you saw someone toss a cigarette butt on the ground and then a guy behind him just hauled off and slugged him in the head, you'd probably gasp and go "HEY! That's way over the line!" Even though you secretly would be thinking "That said, the fucker DID treat the Earth like his personal ashtray, and while social dogma calls for my outrage, I'm really very glad you did that."

The sad fact is, if you do what all of wish we could do, You'd be the tool. You'd be the prick. And so you just eat the rage and grumble to yourself.

Isn't that a shame? I mean... We all feel like there's some justice needed, and yet we all feel the vice of society clamp down on us once we consider turning thought into deed.

So here's my proposal: Spit on them.

Yep, just a nice wet wad from the back of your throat. Hock it up and spit it right on them.

See, they're jerks. This is a fact. And they deserve something in the way of retribution. And we all secretly deep down know that some sort of bringing-in-line is in order... But none of us can get out of the way of social implication when it comes to actually ACTING on our rage. We can't get it out of our heads that society abhors above all else someone taking matters into their own hands and doling out REAL justice as they see fit.

So this is a bit of a middle ground. This is a way to get right with the overall balance of how things SHOULD be, without tipping the scales completely over and making you the bad guy. Someone litters -- spit. Someone takes too goddamn long at the salad bar picking all the ham out of the pasta salad, leaving only noodles and peas -- spit. Someone talks loudly on a cellphone during a movie -- spit.

Spit on the motherfucker. It's that easy.

And if they get all outraged and start yelling and whatever, you can just tell them "You just violated a social doctrine. You know what you've done is wrong, and you believe you can get away with it because no one in their right mind will take the negative hit to their social standing by hitting you. So, instead of hitting you, I'm dishing out equal justice. You get my spit. And if you break the rules again, I shall spit on you again. And again, until your clothes are soaked and you're awash in my saliva. It'll be like french-kissing me, but with your whole body. So knock off the nonsense."

And if they hit you, they look like pricks. Battle won.