Bug Spray Conspiracy

My friend Lori and I were talking about how uncanny it is that, each and every time a creepy, crawly bug is seen in our houses, the bug spraying dudes call just a few days after.

"Are you noticing any signs of infestation or intrusion?" They ask every two months, just a day or two shy of when one is spotted.

It is then that it occurred to me - the exterminators? The Orkin man? The Terminex guy? They're in on a vast, wide-ranging conspiracy. I believe - and of course I have absolutely no evidence to back this up, but it makes sense - that the formula of spray they spritz around and under the house is only an insecticide for one month and three weeks. On the last week of the 2nd month, the toxins are all drawn out of the formula, turning the residue into a moist, spongy cake that the insects are attracted to, because who the hell isn't attracted to moist, spongy cake?

Then, after a week of baiting all those nasty little bugs to your house, they call ever-so-punctually; pretending to be Mr. Orkin-man-on-the-spot, ready to help you get rid of your bugs for another two months! But they're actually confectioners of ant-candy and spider-taffy! They make delectable treats for the little buggers to much on!

Well the gig is up! I'm on to your little charade... You expatriated exterminators can go and "treat" another person's house, because I'm going to start pouring lye all over everything! Even the stove! Lye everywhere! I'm a lyer!

I need help.