4.09.2008

The Top Twenty Workout Songs Ever Ever

HEY YOU! Are you sick of the bullshit electronified covers of weak-ass pop candy that they play over the speakers at your gym? Have you ever looked up at the video monitor or the speakers with a strange sneer and asked yourself, "What the HELL part of any Nickelback song is worth working out to?" Have you found yourself wanting to hurl a 10 pound plate at the TV when you see someone like THIS whiny dipshit play on your Gym's "Workout Mix Network!!!!!" channel?

If you don't know who this is, it's Scott Stapp from Creed. He sucks. His music is not for working out to, it's for pretending you're Christian while on the way to prom with your other friends who are going to get just as drunk and pregnant as you are.

Well, my friends, this is for you. A list of the top twenty adrenaline-producing, muscle-crunching, purely bad-ass songs you could possibly ever mix together for a righteous workout soundtrack. Whether you're training for a long-distance run, lifting to increase power and strength, learning how to fight in mixed martial arts, or just working out to get a little air in your lungs and start the day out right, this mix is absolutely guaranteed to supercharge your neurosensors and get you running into overdrive and all sorts of other hyperbolic nonsense.

I purposely left out any sort of electronica, club, house, dancy remix stuff. Sure, I could fill the list with Gatecrasher and Aphex Twin and whatnot, but that's just cheating, since it's all designed to get your blood pumping faster to get the drugs to take effect quicker.

Ok, enough blah blah blah. On to the songs:


1. Unsane: Scrape



Despite being my first favorite workout song, it's a FUCKED-UP video full of skateboard falls and injuries. Sure, MTV's "Scarred" show has more screwed up stuff these days, but back in 1996, you didn't see this out on MTV - all you saw was crowd surfing, flannel, and Gwen Stefani trying to look sultry in plaid pants. Check the fall at 1:23 - it RULES.



2. Outkast: Player's Ball



Ahhh, memories. When I was working at Southlake Mall as a teenager, these guys used to come up and hand out demos to anyone who would take one. They were cool as hell. I remember popping it into the cassette deck in my shitty Buick Skyhawk and being completely blown away that a small local group could produce something so great. Then, I kept working at the mall while they toured. Then I worked at Wal-Mart and put porn on the TV sets while they released ATLiens, and now they're a multinational rap act with a kagillion fans and I'm, like... Blogging.



3. Soundgarden: Rusty Cage



Oh man... I just... I have no words. That opening riff is just made for going flat-out hardcore top-speed crazy on anything and everything. Even if it's not working out - even if it's on a motorcycle, or driving in your car, or pedaling a big-wheel... Whatever. Go all out. Go crazy. Break your rusty cage.


4. Tool: Lateralus



(this isn't the actual video, it's a fan's creation)

How the hell does a song involving the Fibonacci Sequence get into a top twenty workout song list? Well... Listen to it. And then watch out, because you'll immediately be compelled to go slam some person to the floor and arm-bar them and then get up and go run 26.2 miles - especially at the break at 6:39 on to the end of the song. Before you click play, be sure to put on a hat to catch all those chunks of your mind, because it's about to be blown (and you wouldn't want to leave the office cleaning crew with that sort of mess...).



5. Rollins Band: Disconnect



This song is made of pure, unfiltered, 100% natural testicle. Henry Rollins, super mega workout punk rock God of all time, emulating Travis Bickle from The Taxi Driver while singing about a metaphor for killing himself. I mean... How much more hardcore do you get?



6. Public Enemy & Anthrax: Bring the Noise



YEAHHHHH BOYEEEEE! I hear this opening double-bass and immediately feel sorry for any weight machine I'm on, because I'm going to slam that shit everywhere and then get thrown out of the club and come back with a surge and burn the place down and laugh manically as I flex and yell like a wolf because that's what this song does to me.



7. Pantera: Walk



How the hell do you not break everything sitting around you the moment that song comes on? I mean, you're sitting at your desk right now, clicking play on the video, and I bet every toy and pencil and paperclip on your desk is bent and gnarled and broken right now. I bet there's a paperweight wedged in the drywall directly across from your seat. I bet you're about to get a visit from HR and a pink slip. I bet you come back wearing an iPod listening to that song while wielding an AK-47 and pop caps in people.

This song is that kind of DANGEROUS.




8. Orange 9mm: Glistening



I put it at #8 just to keep from being cliche by putting it at #9. Badass band you've probably never heard of. They toured heavily with the Deftones and Helmet back in the early / mid 90's, eventually fading into obscurity but not before releasing one of the baddest albums I've ever heard, Driver Not Included. If you're a fan of the mid 90's crunchcore sound, you owe yourself a listen to this record. Go steal it right now.




9. Motley Crue: Dr. Feelgood



I do not care how much shit you plan on giving me for including this one - it has one of the baddest opening riffs ever, and Tommy Lee is a SICK drummer - no matter how "straight-forward" his rock drumming is. So fuck you if you don't like it.



10. Helmet: Unsung



You're goddamned right I included this. Sure, it's their only "single" and yes, I have other favorite songs from albums previous to Meantime, but this song absolutely destroys everything in its path.



11. Wu-Tang Clan: Protect Ya' Neck



Absolutely the finest rap clique ever formed - even more than the Native Tongue family, and I adored those guys. This song is just plain hard. Your eardrums cower down your throat when this song comes on, forcing your body to scream at them to return to their proper place - which of course, pisses you off that you had to tell those little bastards to do their job, so you lift harder.



12. Stuck Mojo: Pigwalk



Another band you probably never heard of - Atlanta band who absolutely owned every show they played. Pure unadulterated energy flying out of those guys. I saw a guy actually bleed from the ears due to the power coming out of the gigantic speaker stacks they played through. This is not hyperbolic excess. I am telling you the truth. BLOOD FROM EARS, people.



13. White Zombie: More Human than Human



This song is just crazy. I don't even know what the hell it means. I just like how Rob Zombie can take the words "yeah" and "well" and make them sound so GODDAMN metal.



14. Pantera: 5 Minutes Alone




This is the second of two Pantera tracks on this list, and it makes me want to beat the holy crap out of walls and floors and other objects that are so stubborn that they think no one can move them. Gnar kill.



15. Battles: Atlas



Not quite as "hardcore" as some of the tracks here, but definitely high-energy and fantastic to run to. The entire record "Mirrored" is that way - you start it at track one and just run until it's over, and before you know it, you've run 77 miles in 50 minutes and set all sorts of land-speed records and laughing at cheetahs for being so fucking slow, because it's that good.



16. Deftones: 7 Words



Back when it came out, it wouldn't matter where I was or what I was doing when this song came on the radio or tv or the CD player - I'd break out and mosh anything around me. Entertainment centers, waterbeds, baby carriages... Hell, I once moshed a statue of Ronald McDonald just because a car passed while playing this.

I've since matured. Now, I only punch people when it comes on.



17. Atari Teenage Riot: Destroy 2000 Years of Culture



If this shit doesn't get your blood running, you may want to consult your doctor or a mortician, because I believe it means you're clinically dead.



18. Public Enemy: Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos

Check the video here


(Why the hell doesn't Universal want videos embedded? What the hell is the problem? Isn't the whole point of putting the video collections on YouTube to get exposure for the records? Jesus, I'll never understand the labels...)

Any song that begins by saying the Government are suckers, and then goes on to describe a jailbreak and the slaying of prison guards... Yeah.



19. Eric B. And Rakim: Follow the Leader



Rakim is the best rapper to ever live. No one has ever laced lyrics the way he does. Put him in front of an Eric B. cut set and boom - instant energy. This has as much "legendary" quality as it does "workout energy" quality, so when you listen to it, you feel the greatness of two legends of hip hop pouring into you, energizing you and allowing you to make even funnier faces while lifting weights in your Zubaz.


20. Rage Against the Machine: Wake Up



(video comprised of photos from Flickr... I love fan-made stuff, don't you?)

This song was in a healthy tie with "Ashes in the Fall" off of Battle of Los Angeles, until I couldn't find a video of that song on YouTube. Besides, this song pretty much condenses the entire turbulent Vietnam-era atrocities into one four minute song, which will just plain piss you off and make you turn green and throw tanks.




Anyway, there you have it - the top twenty workout songs of all time ever ever. Are there songs missing from the list? Do you have your own top twenty (or even just one that gets you absolutely riled up to the point of wanting to mention it in the comments section of some guy's website)? Feel free to let me know in the comments!