1.31.2008

Abuse my language and I'll punish you.

A true story from twenty-two minutes ago:

I was on the 2nd floor of a building. I needed to get to the 9th floor. I entered an elevator, where two men stood talking to one another. When I pushed the "9" button, I noticed that they were riding up to the 35th floor.

During my comparatively short ride, I overheard the conversation between the men, one wearing a polo shirt and golfing gloves, the other wearing a long jacket and a "Ping" hat:

Glof-gloves: "Well, our strengths are actually our weaknesses. Our autonomy serves as a vector for success in most cases, but we need to be more maneuverable in our own enterprise."

Ping hat: "You're right, if we don't leverage the opportunities that web 2.0 gives us on B-to-B opportunity, we won't realize internal expansion within the marketplace... And we can't grow."

Golf-gloves: "I'll call Diane... Have her assemble a hit-squad for metrics gathering and leverage-metering."

Ping hat: "Good idea. Talk to marketing also... See if there's a way to measure resource attitude toward such an adjustment."

Golf-gloves: "Will do... So I noticed your iron-game has gotten better..."


That's when I stopped paying attention.


Why the hell couldn't they say it this way:

Golf-gloves: "We're a big company, doing our own thing our own way. Maybe we should pay attention to how others are doing things."

Ping hat: "Yeah... The new tools on the web, along with faster connections, could allow us to work with our partners a little more closely."

Golf-gloves: "Yup. Diane and her group can probably come up with some numbers in their sleep that make us feel better about pretending we care, but not actually changing anything."

Ping hat: "Sure, and we can send a survey around to everyone, get 17% of them back, and learn nothing."

Golf-gloves: "Okay. I see you've been wasting a lot of your precious time left on this planet whacking a stupid white ball with a hunk of odd-shaped metal, and you're totally getting better at it..."

To punish them for misusing the structures and words that completely devastate the very fabric of what makes language such a wonderful tool for communication, I farted just as the doors opened on my floor and walked away proud, knowing that they still had 26 floors to go.