10.04.2007

An unordered list of thoughts I had during a conference call with a potential client today

- There's no way in hell this is going to be under thirty minutes. Why are you lying to me? It's not possible. You know it's not possible. You are a liar, sir.

- God, I wish I'd been paying attention in college when they went over the definition of "synergistic" in English and "how to leverage it" in Business... Oh yeah, I didn't go to college. That's probably why I use regular words and thoughts to describe how I want to create a product and then make money on it. And why I know you can't "leverage" anything, given that it's a noun.

- IF YOU SAY "Drink the Kool-Aid" ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME, I'M GOING TO BURST THROUGH THE WALL AT YOUR OFFICE, KILL YOU IN A VERY UNSIGHTLY AND BLOODY WAY, AND THEN SCREAM "Oh, YEAH!"

- Facebook isn't the internet, dipshit.

- New technologies like CSS, huh? Wow. You guys have your thumb right on the pulse of this here internet thing.

- Oh for chrissake... AJAX is NOT A LANGUAGE, and you CANNOT "code" A WEBSITE IN IT.

- MySpace isn't the internet, dipshit.

- I know you guys are in California and all, but last I checked, the timezones don't shift back far enough for you to have been born yesterday...

- You want to rank and hide comments on your "Completely open and honest corporate communications blog," but only after an admin / editor has approved the comments that have been made? Do you not understand the concepts of "Completely open?" And for that matter, ranking and hiding?

- You can't use XML to "program" a site either.

- You want four million users by DECEMBER?? You have four hundred active licenses for your product currently! Nothing - and I mean NOTHING - is going to add four zeros to the end of that number in three months short of hiring Arthur Anderson to handle the bookkeeping.

- Wait... First you wanted to clone Digg... Then you wanted to "add the social aspects of Facebook to it," and NOW you want it to be Wikipedia? Where the HELL did you spend your morning? In the "Web 2.0 Company Names to Memorize" symposium sponsored by the local Linux Enthusiasts club?

- Uh... Four million active users means minimum 20,000 concurrent users at any given moment, and you want to do all of this on ONE co-located virtual server in India? On .Net and MS SQL Server? Honestly? You really, really think that's how it will go? In that case, can I punch you? Please? I mean, I only ask because you seem like the type of person who'd ponder the question and then just blurt out "Yes," and I've been dying to hit something since I pressed "1" to join your conference.

- Flickr is not the internet, dipshit.

- Oh man, I wonder how they'd take it if I unmuted this line for just a second to let them hear how loud I'm laughing at all of this...

- Oh for fuck's sake, you honestly think you can get the guys from Penny Arcade to do advertisements for this whacked-out product?

- Did you really just say you're going to use ISS on Vista because it's more reliable than Apache? Really? Cause, like, you know you can run Apache on Windows, right?

- FACEBOOK. IS. NOT. THE. INTERNET. YOU. DIPSHIT.

- Uh... You really... Um... Okay, I guess you DO think that Microsoft will buy you next year. Can I get paid, like, all in advance on this gig? With a cashier's check?

- Oh, there it is... The three letters I've been waiting for... IPO.

- Hey Google? I have a bug to report... I checked my calendar, and it SAYS this is 2007... Are you SURE? Cause I really, really feel like I'm in 1999 right now...

- Okay, so wait - Now we're adding YouTube onto the Digg-a-book-apedia-r site you want to miraculously create in six months?

- OH COME ON... You honestly expect me to invest work hours into your project and get paid "when the VC comes in?" Like... Where's the VC coming in FROM? Xenu?

- Oh. Great. The Director of Development also owns the outsourced programming company we'd use in Romania. How... Convenient. Sounds like he's the only one in this entire group who's actually thinking about how to make a profit here.

- Where's my gun? I know I own one somewhere... Even if it's a toy gun, at least I can disassemble it and choke on the small internal parts.

- Is it impolite to just hang up and not return the call, or should I begin crafting my "No thanks" speech?