What do you get when:

1) you're hungry for lunch,

2) you haven't gone shopping because you leave on Saturday for a 2 week trip and don't want to buy a bunch of food that will spoil,

3) you have a packet of this new Uncle Ben's microwavable rice that you bought just because you wanted to see how bad it truly is, and

4) you have 2 leftover "apple and gouda" sausages made by Jennie-O which have real pieces of... Like... Apples and gouda in it, and really resemble those old Frank-n-stuff hot dogs we all thought were awesome when we were kids?


I got to interview Henry Rollins.

That just plain rules.


Hey, Fake Geeks - Fuck You.

(Allow me to clarify this really quickly.

This post is not about "young geeks" or "new geeks" or "Geeks-in-training." It's about fashion geeks - the geeks who only spout off to seem like they know what they're talking about; the ones who couldn't compile their way out of a foo statement, and the ones who just want to look the part so that they can appear to be smarter, more hip and more in touch than you are. Suddenly, it's hip to be "internet-aware" and "technology-dependant" and whatever else. I mean... G4TV! JESUS... Do I need to say anything else?

And with that being said, that's all the clarification I plan to give. If you are still offended by the end of this rant, guess what? You're one of its' subjects, and I'm not sorry.)

Fuck you, fake geeks.

Yes, that's right. FUCK YOU.

Oh, don't act so surprised. You know it's been a long time coming. You've been waiting for quite a little while now, wondering when it was that one of the REAL geeks was going to take notice and call your little punk asses out. Well, here it is - I'm that guy, but I'm not alone. I'm speaking for an entire community of folks who spent YEARS being looked down on and made fun of for doing exactly what you're standing there trying to look cool doing. We're sick to death of your pseudonerd attitude and your high-and-mighty bullshit. You made fun of us for standing in line at midnight to see Empire Strikes Back in 1980, yet you do the same thing for Episode 3 - and you ACT like you did it back then! You go around, claiming how "geeky" and "nerdy" you are, pretending it's some sort of self-effacing commentary on how downtrodden and cast-out you are because you're SO MUCH SMARTER than us, the local hoi palloi dotting the surface of the planet living our normal lives.

You look at us, driving pickup trucks or wearing flannel with a "Burton" snowboarding cap, or simply not knowing how to match our shoes to our button-up Oxford shirt, and you think "Jock" or "Redneck" or "buffoon" or "Iron Worker". When we approach the little group you have hanging on your every word as you describe the latest gadget you supposedly know about but really just read about on Engadget, you sort of sneer and nod in our direction, shifting immediately to an overly passionate description of your guild faid in World of Warcraft the night before - adding extra emphasis to show just how much you LOVE your online world, as if none of us could ever understand how you could.

And as you stand there in your "Got Root?" T-shirt you bought at Hot Topic and checking your missed calls on your RAZR, We're sitting there thinking exactly the same thing skaters around the nation thought when they see some flatfoot wearing Etnies and a Birdhouse tee, or the same thing hardcore kids think when they see some prep wearing a swingset chain as a belt and a brand new pair of Doc Marten's, or the same thing bike messengers think on the Tuesday night ride when the art-school kid with no talent and rich parents rides up on a brand new, $2,000 fixed-gear to join them on a bash:


Get your fscking -head /out of your -a^$$.

You're sad, you know that? You think that, just because you know how to misplace a 3 in the middle of the word "The" over IM that you're the be-all, end-all of the internet - and you make damn sure to let all 12 of your MySpace friends know it on your blog. You wax philosophic on the newest gadgets, using the exact same headline you JUST read over at Engadget. You openly say "ORLY?" in verbal conversation and you talk about the image resolution on your brand new Canon Eos Rebel SLR like you even fucking understand what the hell "aperture" is.

Guess what? FUCK YOU, that's what.

Long before you were joining Johnny Popular on guild raids in WoW and making important business contacts in Another Life, WE were losing a girlfriend and a job - simultaneously - to Everquest and Ultima Online. And before that, we were failing out of college due to all-night MUDding sessions - and before that, we were falling asleep during class thanks to being addicted to anything put out by InfoCom. Before you found that nifty little blog that listed the site where you can find 101 Wordpress themes, WE were finding ways to hack Javascript to extend commenting past the editor window's code block so that ads wouldn't show up on our Tripod account's free page. Before you found it "cool" to ask your friends "Got Rewt?" knowing fully well they had no clue what the hell you were talking about (as if YOU do), we were asking our friends the same thing - only we were serious, we were doing it on a dial-up BBS with a cloned switch at the telco (thanks to one of the board's founders working there), and we were talking about our high school's AS400 server.

WE watched The Screen Savers on ZDTV. You watch it on G4. And WE remember when Leo Laporte had hair. And yeah, WE might look like a deranged redneck jock truckers, or mathematicians, or iron workers. We like hockey. We like football. We like parties. We like working out. And some of us hate all of those things and like just sitting at home and hacking out more code. And We're two-hundred-million times the geek you will EVER be. When WE played D&D or Chess in the lunchroom in the mornings during school, it wasn't cool - it was the thing you did to take your mind off of getting your ass kicked before first period for simply enjoying what you enjoy. When WE were writing a "clock" program in BASIC on our Sinclairs and Commodore 64s, it wasn't because we thought the people on my online-friend-community-website-du-jour (where 95% of your "friends" are bands that thrive on another form of ripping off the authentic to market themselves, but that's another story) would think it was cool - and it CERTAINLY wasn't on 'rails'.

Because being a "geek" isn't a fashion. It's not a movement. It's who you ARE. Your brain is wired that way - and before it was hip and cool and those who couldn't ever understand it were able to buy their way into faking it, we were excited and passionate about our ability to expand our minds in the pursuit of technical coolness. We looked at $14.95 walkie-talkies at K-mart and we didn't daydream of using them to ambush the weak kid in the neighborhood with water balloons filled with shaving cream - we thought "how can I get that thing to pick up cordless phone conversations?" 2600 wasn't a number we quoted to the unwashed to seem cool - it was a SECRET, and one you'd better keep damn well - because the law and the jocks hated you for even knowing what it was.

WE paid for our passion in fear and loathing. You pay for your 'passion' with dollars and cents. And now, it's just a "look" for you... Something you use to make you look smart, so that you can hide how much you are JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

So, I say again - Fuck you. You might have the others fooled, but not us, because we have to walk right by Urban Outfitters on the way to Radio Shack when we need supplies to build the device we're going to use to clone your RAZR, so we've seen the ironically hip shirts hanging on the wall, so we know what they look like.


The early feedback on my latest story is very positive. I've heard from several folks that it's definitely different than what they're used to reading from me, but it's definitely me.

Yeah, I don't know what the hell they mean, either. But it's very nice that people dig it.

That story came from a conversation I had with my wife a few days ago. We were talking about our future; if we'd ever have children and if so what we think they'd be like and how life would be different and all that sort of stuff. And I reminded her that the might want to consider the fact of who it is she married.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Well..." I opined, "Let's just say that I don't think that it's a very good idea to go spreading MY genes around. At least, not if you care about the continued existance of this planet."

So I reminded her of the antics I pulled as a kid, this being one of them, and asked if she REALLY wanted to have to deal with that sort of shit.

"I dunno, it really is kinda funny," She said.

"Every single day?" I asked. "EVERY... SINGLE... DAY???"

Yeah, we're adopting.


Signs you are getting close to being "old" but aren't quite there because you still retain both your youthful exeuberance and natural sense of wonder over something, #271118:

I just bought a very expensive vaccum cleaner and am positively giddy over it.

It works SO well. It sucks up dirt and dust and it has no filters and it has this super powerful pet-hair attachment and it does a great job making all the nastiness go away from my home.

And thus completes yet another step toward shuffleboard, Jell-o for dinner and Depends.


Man, I gotta tell ya...

There's something about flipping over to TBS during a bout of insomnia and seeing Pauly Shore, wearing a pink fishnet shirt, trying to convince Samwise Gamgee that they should teach the caveman that is Brendan Frasier how to "Wease" that just makes you want to shoulder your TV, get a good running start, and fling that fucker off the 2nd floor balcony.


There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just come right out and say it:

Aqua Teen Hunger Force is the stupidest fucking television show to ever exist, at any time, ever, in the history of televised programming.

And yes, that includes Laverne and Shirey.

I swear to God, I have never, ever, in my life EVER seen a more obvious example of just how STUPID incessant marijuana intake can make a person.

Stop telling me to watch it. Stop telling me how funny it is. Stop singing the stupid Meatwad rap to me. Don't tell me how I remind you of Frylock. Stop saying how everything is for the shorties. It's poppycock, the lot of it.

STOP IT! You are supposed to be a thinking and funcitonal human being! Don't waste cycles watching this poop! It'll make you sterile and unable to reproduce (which, if you actually LIKE this show and think it's a grand and wonderful device through which to waste your time, is probably a good thing)!


Maybe it's just how I was brought up, but:

If someone buys pizza for his / her development team who has been working 14 hour days for the past 4 weeks, and you see it, and you are not on the team and have not been working 14 hour days for the past 4 weeks...


At least, not before asking if it's okay.
I am eating a "breakfast sandwich" which contains "Canadian" bacon, some reconstituted eggs, and bread which houses pockets of "real maple syrup" within. And to top it all off, there's a gigantic stylized "M" burned into the top of it. And to drink? A delicious sweetened and iced tea.

All for $1.99.

I'm lovin' it.

Except that I can feel the murmurs and palpatations forming in my heart as I type this.