11.16.2006

As a larger person, I have a pretty special relationship with the laws of Newtonian Physics. You skinny folks... You will never know the bond that large people share with Newton and his rules.

Take, for instance, this morning's events. I was headed down the stairs in my house when one of our cats decided it wanted to rub against my leg. I felt something fuzzy underneath my bare foot as I stepped down, and knowing that the little fuzzy thing would have quickly become a little fuzzy and squishy thing had I kept going, I immediately shifted my weight on my forward foot. I kicked out hard and quick - which led me to take three steps at once as I came flying down onto the entry foyer.

This is where I was able to prove that an object in motion tends to stay in motion, as I had absolutely NO backwards leverage with which to stop myself.

I ended up flying forward about three large steps as I tried to regain my balance. Unfortunately, the frame for the doorway into my library / sitting room is only two large steps from the landing of the stairs - which is where I was able to prove that every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

Action: I performed a full-speed Goldberg-style "spear" move into the door frame.

Equal and opposite reaction: I now have a saucer-sized bruise on my right shoulder and a broken door frame. I also have a very cranky wife, whom I woke by shaking the entire upstairs with my strange-yet-powerful maneuver.

You skinny people... You probably can't relate to this little sitaution. If it were you who stumbled down the stairs and basically sprinted shoulder-first into a door frame, you'd just bounce off and feel a bit of pain. But us behemoth-types, we know what it's like to collide against immovable objects and... well... move them. We don't bounce. We kinda smash through things.