Boy, I'm in a pissy mood.

Wanna know why I'm in a pissy mood? I'll tell you why I'm in a pissy mood.

As some of my fellow nerds know, today is the day that Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion ships. For those who have never played an Elder Scrolls game, let me go ahead and tell you that this is by far the finest ever RPG made. Finer than Final Fantasy 7, finer than Kings Quest, finer than even ZOR... wait. No. Nothing's better than ZORK!. But this game is almost there.

Anyway, I've been looking forward to this game since it was announced that it was in development in 2002, and I've REALLY been looking forward to it the past two months or so, as screenshots and play footage has been steadily released on the net. And one thing that I'm not really good at is waiting - so basically, I've been staring at the calendar, seething over the red-circled "20" on my March page (that's today! And incidentally, the day that Oblivion is supposed to be released).

So, I stopped by an EB Games store that was on my way home from work this afternoon to pick it up (The Fayetteville, GA EB Games - I need to note this, because this is a GOOD EB Games. The fact that I had to note this should give you a bit of foreshadowing as to what's coming next). The very friendly clerk (who I've seen before and have a good rapport with, as I stop by this particular EB Games on my way home from work about twice a week) told me that they didn't get the shipment today, but would have it early in the morning Tuesday (that's tomorrow! And incidentally, 24 hours longer than I feel like waiting for this game). I asked if any other stores in the area had it, and he replied that he thought another EB Games store might have a copy.

"Oh?" I replied. "Which one?"

His answer couldn't have aggrevated me more. It was the one right up the street from my house.

This is the worst fucking EB Games - NAY! The worst GAME STORE in existance. The kids who run this EB Games flat out SUCK. I hate them. I hate them a lot. They're rude, they're snotty, and they LOVE the fact that they work for a game store. You know the type... The "experts" who can "never be wrong" because they "work in the industry" despite the fact that they "still live with their parents" and "couldn't write a line of game code if it were a simple substitution cipher written on the back of a Cap'n Crunch box." They also never shower and would probably deficiate themselves if they ever saw a real-life, not-on-the-webbernet vagina.

I hate them.

Anyway, I tried calling and visiting EVERY OTHER STORE in a 20 mile radius. Toys-R-Us, Best Buy, Circuit City, Wal-Mart (that's how desperate I was, I called the very Wal-Mart I got revenge on), Target... Everywhere but the game-specific store not 5 miles from my house.

Finally, after being rebuffed by every single store I tried, I called that EB Games.

"Hello, thank you for calling EB Games, where we have a three-minute "hello" speech where we try to convince you to trade in your games for far less store credit than it's worth, my name is (I forget), how may I dick you over today?"

"Hi there," I said, as cheerfully as I could. "I'm wondering if you have Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion in yet."

"Uh... You and everyone else, buddy," he said through his nostrils.

Yeah, he said that. It's rude. It's snotty. And it's nowhere near the worst thing that happened.

"Uh... Alright..." I said, a bit stunned but not at all suprised. "So, do you have it?"

"Oh YEAH, we have it," He said.

"Oh. Cool!" I replied. "Can I put a copy on hold? I'm on my way to-"

"Oh, we can't SELL it yet," he replied. "The shelf date is tomorrow."

"Uh... Not according to Bethesda's website," I replied. "Or your own website, for that matter. They all say it's released today."

"Well," He said, puffing up his nonexistant little geekchest, "Corporate states that we can't sell it until tomorrow. So you'll have to try then."

"Fine," I said. "But you have it?"

"Yeah, I have a copy right here in my hands!" The little fucker said.

"Ok, fine," I answered and hung up. I then Googled "EB Games Corporate" on my Treo and got the customer service number. I called them from my car and waited a few minutes on hold. Finally, a guy answered.

"Yeah, I have a quick question," I said.

"What's that, sir?"

"I just talked to the EB Games near my house, and they said they have copies of Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion in stock - but they won't sell it to me, because they said you guys won't let them. Is that true?"

"Well," he replied, "If the street date is tomorrow, they aren't supposed to sell it..."

"Well, the release date is supposed to be today," I replied. "Can you look it up and verify?"

He did.

"Yeah, that's wierd," he said. "They said they have a copy in stock?"

"Yeah," I said. "The punk kid at the counter said he had one in his hands."

"Hmm... Let me call them and find out," he offered. I waited on hold for a few minutes as he did that very thing.

"Well," he said as he returned to the line, "The person who answered the phone said they were supposed to get their shipment today, but didn't."

"Well now, THAT'S interesting," I said.

"Yeah... Did you want to file a store complaint?" he asked.

"Nah, no thanks," I replied. "I'm gonna go talk to them myself."


I pulled into the parking lot of that EB Games and called them again from my truck. I tried to disguise my voice, but it's kinda hard... My voice is very distinctive. Fortunately, these guys are fucking retards, so it worked.

"Hi, thank you for calling EB Games, where we waste your cell minutes by going on and on and on and on and on and on with our damn sales pitch when we answer the phone, this is (the little fucker), how may I help you?"

"Yes," I said in an accent that sounded like a British guy raised in New Jersey, "Do you have Oblivion?"

"Yes," he answered again, "We have it in but we can't sell it yet."

I hung up and stormed in. "You liar!" I said immediately, to the suprise of both him and a few customers playtesting "Ghost Recon" at the counter.

"Uh... huh?" he said.

"You just told me TWICE that you have Oblivion in stock! You're a liar!"

"Uh... No sir?" he said dizzily.

"Do you have it or not?" I demanded.

"Well... Yeah, we have it, but we can't sell-"

"Let me see a copy!" I demanded.

He thought for a second. "It won't help, I can't sell it..."

"Oh, I don't care if I can't buy it, I just want to see it."

He wouldn't produce a copy. The customers in the store started chuckling.

"See, I knew you were a little liar," I stated. "I called corporate. They said you don't have any."

"Well, you see," he tried to explain, "We were SUPPOSED to get it, but-"

"Oh, come on," I interrputed. "It doesn't matter WHY you did it. This is the stupidest lie on earth! Why did you lie about this, of all things??"


"I mean, come on... It's just a game. You don't have it in stock. Why lie about having it?" I stared at him for a few seconds. He didn't say anything, so I did it for him. "Why would you lead someone on like that? Do you know how LONG I've been looking forward to this game? HUH?"

He couldn't answer.

"Well... A LONG TIME!" I yelled. "A long, long time! And here you made me think you had it! And you DON'T! That's... THAT'S NOT RIGHT!"

He didn't say anything. I just scoffed and walked out.

The truth is, I know why he lied. He just wanted to lord his little retail gamer power over me. Well, I SHOWED HIM! MUAHAHAHAH!


Whatever. It doesn't change the fact that I want Oblivion and don't have it yet. Grrr.