It's not as common as it once was, but every so often, I get a completely random IM from someone out of the blue. I must say, I truly live for these moments.

I haven't the first clue who barrenunmami is, where she got my IM name, or why she'd ever think that I'd give half a crap about the new John Gotti CD (isn't he dead? And when did they start installing sound studios in prison?) Anyway, I thought I might post the conversation here because this is a BLOG. That's what you do on a BLOG. You post random, boring, useless, absolutely inane bullshit in the hopes that a famous movie producer will just happen upon your BRILLIANCE and offer you 24 million up front to write the next big Tom Cruise movie.

It's true. Just ask that guy who wrote this latest one... H G Williams or something. Isn't that how he got famous? Writing about Finding Nemo under the sea and some time machine thingy on his blog?

Anyway, I digress. Here's an IM conversation log. Enjoy it. Or don't - USE YOUR FREEDOM OF CHOICE (and while you're at it, Whip It Good).


barrenunmami: so u din like the jOhn gOtti Cut thrOat Cd huh

joe: you are correct.

barrenunmami: whyy? it wasnt THAT bad. what made u buy that cd in the first place?

barrenunmami: err.. u know hes coming bacc.. hes gonna start rapping again

joe: i haven't the first clue what the hell you're talking about.

barrenunmami: lmaO Omg...

barrenunmami: im taLkin abOwt the jOhn gOt`ti Cd

joe: why do you capitalize every other letter?

barrenunmami: nOpe

joe: and John Gotti is behind bars

joe: he can't release a rap cd

barrenunmami: nO hes nOt

barrenunmami: wtf

barrenunmami: lmaO whO tOLd u that?!?!

joe: the media.

joe: he's a reputed mob boss, he's behind bars

joe: besides, everyone knows italians can't rap.

barrenunmami: im nOt taLkin abOwt that One

barrenunmami: Omg

barrenunmami: lmaO wOw....... this guy

barrenunmami: nO

barrenunmami: im taLkin abOwt the bLaCC jOhn gOt'ti

joe: oh, you mean the black guy who took the real john gotti's name.

joe: because it's somehow cool to name yourself after a reputed mob boss.

joe: i see

barrenunmami: he was the first One tO take the gOt'ti name

joe: if i ever become a rapper, im going to call myself MC Ted Kazinski

barrenunmami: of awll the rappers

barrenunmami: wtf

barrenunmami: Omg

barrenunmami: but yeah

joe: Ted Kazinski is a fucking badass, dude, he's killed more people than all your rap stars combined

joe: he's all "WORD YO you gotta be dissin' dat technology, fo sho dawg"

barrenunmami: nOt aLOt Of rap stars aCtuaLLy kiLLed ppL

joe: "retreat to da hood in da woods! Yo, DJ Mailbomb, go wild on doz' turntablezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

barrenunmami: wOw..

barrenunmami: lmaO

barrenunmami: this guyyyy

barrenunmami: quit it

joe: which one?

joe: which guy?

joe: i don't see no guy.

barrenunmami: :|


joe: well

joe: it's not really a house, it's a shack

joe: in the woods.

barrenunmami: ur white huh

joe: yes. indeed i am.

barrenunmami: aLready

barrenunmami: s'aLL gOOd

joe: so im wondering who the hell you are

barrenunmami: muh name dRe.. ..

barrenunmami: n dOnt put a dr. in frOnt Of it

barrenunmami: nah i was just lOOkin at sOme review`z fOr my brOther`z aLbum n i saw wutChu put

barrenunmami: hOw u said it was hOrribLe, n hOw u burnt it

joe: you're going to have to link me to that

joe: because i write random garbage and scatter it across the net

barrenunmami: yuhh

barrenunmami: OH

joe: and your brother is John Gotti?

barrenunmami: sO u din reaLLy Listen tO his Cd?

barrenunmami: yuhh

joe: or, rather, The-Rap-Star-Who-Stole-The-Real-John-Gotti's-Name

joe: or is it "MC The-Rap-Star-Who-Stole-The-Real-John-Gotti's-Name"

joe: i get confused, im not really "down" with the lingo.

barrenunmami: ....................

barrenunmami: isnt it the same ?

joe: the same as...?

joe: swahili? NO

joe: not even close

barrenunmami: nO

joe: bucko

barrenunmami: the twO u just named

joe: so link me to this review where i burned down john gotti

barrenunmami: it`z the same Chit

barrenunmami: idk

barrenunmami: i`m tOO Lazy tOO LOOk fOr it

joe: ah

barrenunmami: did u ever hear it?

joe: i see

joe: yes, of course I did, i'm big in the rap underground. Dog.

joe: i own 4 copies of that CD

barrenunmami: dOg?

barrenunmami: nO sirrrr

joe: because i usually have 4 guests over and need coasters

barrenunmami: i guess buddy

barrenunmami: i hOnestLy thOught that Cd wasnt aLL that great

barrenunmami: i OnLy Liked that CUTTHROAT One

joe: are you kidding?

joe: it saves my oak. it's awesome.

barrenunmami: i mean i knOw thats muh kin fOLk but stiLL

joe: i especially like the track "Don't let no condensation drip on me, yo"

barrenunmami: stupid.. u ass! u said u burnt it

barrenunmami: :|!!!!!!!!!!

barrenunmami: lmfaO Omg

joe: so where'd you find my IM name anyway

joe: because I need to proceed there and immediately take it down, lest i become inundated once more with random capitalization and crazy net lingo.

barrenunmami: gay.

barrenunmami: Ok weLL im dOne, i just wanted tO knOw hOw u reaLLy feLt abOwt it

joe: YES! My statement is homosexual! that's crazy, how'd you guess?

joe: you're psychic!

barrenunmami: lOl wOwwww

barrenunmami: urrr a straaange One buddddy

joe: no, i haven't listened to 'ol johnny's record

barrenunmami: his names david.

joe: nor would i, unless it was playing 24 hours a day in a prisoner of war camp

joe: and i happened to be a prisoner.

joe: of war.

joe: at that camp, no less.

joe: and you haven't the first clue how strange i truly am

joe: I.... am a WEBMASTER.

joe: the strangest of them all.

barrenunmami: COOll

barrenunmami: .. a webmaster..

barrenunmami: wtf is that

joe: it's a master of the web.

barrenunmami: One Of thOse COmputer geek guyz?

joe: CONTEXT CLUES, barrenunmami

joe: yup

barrenunmami: Like..

barrenunmami: a haCCer?


joe: just, you don't know about it

barrenunmami: nO urrr nOt

joe: am too

joe: super famous

barrenunmami: lOl .. liesss

joe: people LOVE me

barrenunmami: ... die

barrenunmami: LOVE?

joe: adore.

barrenunmami: Oh reaLLy?

joe: they buy my books

joe: and my shirts and stickers

barrenunmami: reaLLy??? ppL LOve me tOO... im perfeCt

barrenunmami: whyyy gOd???

barrenunmami: whyyyyyyy me

joe: it's your fault

joe: you started it

barrenunmami: is it reaLLy :)?

joe: with your pseudo mob boss rap star stuff

barrenunmami: nOOOt me. thats my brOther

joe: tell him I said "please stop. Now."

barrenunmami: hes COming baCC in the rap game, just with better shit

joe: he's polluting our collective unconciousness, barrenunmami

barrenunmami: dre

joe: we could all advance

barrenunmami: Oh?

barrenunmami: tO what?

joe: we could make our way to the moon - or BEYOND! if we could just concentrate as a people and work for the greater good!

joe: but instead, we have pseudo mob boss rap stars and their ilk out yelling and screaming about drugs, guns and money

joe: oh, and beiotches.

joe: lots of beiotches.

joe: and platinum and spinner rims and escalades and big macs

joe: so we can't live on mars yet

joe: and it's his fault

joe: so tell him that a FAMOUS ON THE INTERNET webmaster said "stop. now."

barrenunmami: lmfaO Ok

barrenunmami: buuuuuuut

barrenunmami: i shaLL Let him knOw, he`LL prOLLy find yOu, traCC yOu dOwn

joe: oh, i invite him to do so

barrenunmami: stapLe ur eyeLidz tO ur head

barrenunmami: nO, im pLayinh

barrenunmami: g*

joe: we could sit and have tea and a brilliant discourse

barrenunmami: reaLLy? i hate tea..

barrenunmami: hOw bOwt sOme gin n juiCe

joe: or just juice

joe: gin is so barbaric

barrenunmami: u think sO? idk, i seem tO enjOy it.

joe: i mean, every time i play it with my grandma, she's like "GIN! BITCH!" and i'm like "BITCH! FUCK YOU BITCH" and we both bust caps and it's really a bad scene

barrenunmami: lmfaO

barrenunmami: wOw..

barrenunmami: Like i said... strangeee

barrenunmami: u reaLLy hate the hip hOp wOrLd huh

barrenunmami: u seem Like u dO

joe: no, actually i LOVE the hip hop world. i hate what rap music has become, though.

joe: the shit that's out there now? that's not hip hop.

barrenunmami: hmm

joe: hip hop is DJ's, grafitti, b-boys, and real rhymes about real conditions.

joe: like i said, now it's just bullshit postering for money

barrenunmami: idk.. im LOvin aLL Of this instense hype musiC.. aka Crunkkk

barrenunmami: lOl, why? idk, it gets me aLL hype

joe: yeah, us folks from the south used to really like that stuff.

barrenunmami: high energyy

joe: now? it's all bullshit party rhymes.

joe: no knowledge

joe: no message

barrenunmami: sOme Of them dO..

joe: just the yin yang twins doing their bullshit.

joe: lil john... please

barrenunmami: lOl

joe: not since Cee-Lo left Goodie Mob has there been a decent rap record from the south, except MAYBE the newer outcast stuff

barrenunmami: weLL, i must gO nOw, we`LL meet again One daaaay...

barrenunmami: weLL im Off

joe: yes. you are.

barrenunmami: tOOdLez..