I need to say this up front and right away:

I love getting email from people RE: My writing. I love finding out what people think / feel when they read the things I've written and I love knowing what parts of what I've done have effected people. I also really like hearing feedback on things that people feel I can / should improve on. I do, I swear I do, cross my heart and hope to die if I'm lying.


Look -- I LIKE Maddox. Maddox is a nice guy and has some pretty funny stuff - but Maddox is MADDOX. If you did a biological comparason between Maddox and myself, you'd find that we share no DNA markers outside of possibly one which makes us both crave attention. I am not Maddox. Thus, I will never "Write more like" Maddox.

As far as McSweeney's goes, yes, there are a few - A FEW - funny items on McSweeney's. But that website and associated publication is in no way the barometer by which anyone on this planet should ever measure humor. It's vastly populated by overblown stuffy writers who compensate for poor devices for introducing "t3h funn3h" by puffing up their writing to the point of bursting. It's pathetic how unfunny this snobbish, urbanite tripe is (for the most part).

Take, for example, this little gem:


THIS IS NOT FUNNY. I am very very very very sorry if you think it is. It is NOT.

Now, for the person who emailed me this link and told me I should "Write more like this," I can honestly say that the only way for me to "Write more like" that article is to collapse upon myself and form a gravity well so dense, not even light could escape it.

And for anyone biting their bottom lip, getting ready to fire off an angry email letting me know how much better than these examples I am not, let me go ahead and disarm you -- I know I suck. If there were a bright center of the writing universe, I'd inhabit a small cave on the dark side of the planet that was farthest from it. I am not saying I am better than anyone on McSweeney's, nor am I saying I'm better than Maddox. All I am saying is that it is not necessary for anyone to even bother with copying and pasting links to their articles in an email that states I should "Write more like" those examples from this point forward. And if you do it, I'm going to flog you digitally.

Thank you.