6.22.2005

For those oh-so blessed souls out there who have yet to be completely tainted by the utter dregs of the underbelly of the internet, I have some fucked up news for you:

There's this... Thing. It's called FanFic, and it's BAD.

FanFic is where writers attempt to extend the existing universe of a story - usually movies or tv series - by adding their own storylines. There's X-files fanfic, Star Wars and Star Trek fanfic... Hell, I've even seen Scooby Doo fanfic. If we're discussing semantics, you could argue that Timothy Zahn's excellent post-Episode VI Star Wars novels would qualify as fanfic. But they're good, so they don't count.

But what's worse than fanfic is that there are people out there who write EROTIC fanfic, starring none other than the major characters of your favorite stories. Yep. You can find Scully doing Mulder, Velma doing Daphnie who's doing Scooby... It doesn't stop. The people who write this shit are depraved, so as you can imagine, the topics and cast tend to get a little out there. But nothing - NOTHING - is more out there than fanfic based on children's cartoons and toys.

I need to state this. You probably don't need me to, but it's in me and I gotta get it out: It's really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY goddamn disturbing that there are people out there who have erotic fantasies about toys.

It's 10 times more disturbing that they have the audacity to give these fantasies a voice.

And as disturbing as all that is, it increases by a factor of seven when you find out that some of the toys people are writing these erotic fan-fiction stories about include Transformers, My Little Pony, and the Care Bears.

Case in point:

Transformers Fan Fic

This fucking nutjob has written a story about the Decepticon STARSCREAM. Having SEX.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S A ROBOT, YOU FUCKUP!!!!! Not only that, it's a TRANSFORMING ROBOT! Which means IT DOESN'T EXIST AND YOU ARE AN OVEROBSESSED WHACKJOB WHO NEEDS TO BE BEATEN!!! ABOUT THE HEAD AND FACE!!! WITH A POOLBALL STUFFED IN A SOCK!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!

But it doesn't stop there. OH, no. This fucking wierdo also does Erotic Transformers illustrations. Please, I beg of you, do not click this link.

Oh, God. You did, didn't you. And I bet you said the exact same thing I did when I was sent the link: "SIKJNHBIUBIUYUI@W#&YH*(&#HUNGBUSNAIB ZV&(*#F"

As I discussed this... Abhorrition... With my friend Alec, he said, in mock defense, "Hey, don't knock erotic toy fanfic until you try it." And it occured to me... How can I judge a form of writing until I've at least attempted it?

SO, I present to you, Joe The Peacock's Attempt At Erotic Toy FanFiction, starring Barbie and her ex-husband, Ken:



Ken's latex hand caressed her hard, V-3 plastic breast. He bent at the waist to place his smiling lips on them... "there's no nipple," he said through his bright white teeth. Slowly, he bent only slightly at the knee and kissed her gently as he descended. He lifted his entire body to remove his lips from her nondescript 18-inch waist, slid a few centimeters southward, and laid upon her again. Suddenly, he found her waiting womanhood.

"Um..." He said. "I... Uh... Yeah, okay, there's nothing I can do here," He whispered gently.

"That's alright," Barbie said, placing the extended and clenched fingers of each hand on his unyielding hair and pulling him upward. "Come to me, let me pleasure you." She slid her unbending arms down his abdomen and reached his underwear. Groaning, she strained to remove them. "They... They won't... Budge..." She muttered.



Yeah. That pretty much ends that.