12.31.2003

Something that you always hear people say finally hit me last night.

I was watching a documentary on Jeff Buckley (The MuchMusic interview from 1994), and out of nowhere, he just up and says, "Half of art is just letting go and accepting it all - even the mistakes."

I thought it was such a great statement.

So I wrote it out on a post-it note to put it up on my bulletin board. And in the word 'mistakes', i screwed up the k - so i scratched it out and rewrote it.

Acceptance isn't really one of my fortes.

12.16.2003

Mentally Incontinent - behind.
25 Cameras - behind.
MIM - behind (but not for long).
Kunoichi - behind.

Yah, i suck.

It's all coming along though. I'm working through it all, pushing hard to get things caught up. Please, bear with me. I'm going to do my very best to bring you the most current stuff :)

12.12.2003

It's only after your 11th month of continuious bad luck that you begin to have this kind of feeling.

After the first day, you curse your luck and damn the day, then go to sleep with the thought somewhere deep in the back of your mind that tomorrow is another day and with it brings better luck.

After the first week, you simply chalk it up to having a bad week. Your mood is sour and you're tired, but again, that thougt is still there; that optimism is still present. Soon, your luck will change.

After the first month, you begin to accept it. It loosens it's grip as a cognizant thought, you aren't really aware of the daily fits or even weekly fits of bad luck. You simply know that you are at a low point and that things really should be getting better in time.

And that goes on.

And on.

And suddenly, you realize a year has gone by - and not once for that entire year have things gone 'your way' - or any way that could even remotely be considered as yours. That's when it hits you; that feeling of dread and dispair. That feeling which brings with it one wish, one hope which you have long since accepted won't ever be granted.

A chance to rest.

That's all you want. A chance to rest.

And then the sun goes down and the moon comes out and you lay in bed thinking of how you are going to manage whatever steaming pile of bullshit hit you in the face that afternoon, and you lazily drift off and before you know it, your alarm clock is going off and you wake and it feels just like yesterday. And the day before. And the day before.

And all you really want is rest.

12.10.2003

Don't you just hate it when you have been searching for something for YEARS to no avail, and then one day you are let in on a secret... only it's not a secret and hasn't been for years?

I am a big-time collector of hard-to-find music. I have spent untold fortunes to acquire various items for my collection, and one of the things I have utterly coveted is the Smashing Pumpkins "Mashed Potatoes" five-disc boxed set that Billy Corgan created for friends and family in early '94. This set contains nearly 6 hours of live, rare, demo and b-side recordings that I have been in search of for forever. I actually came very, very close to buying it at a CD show in 98. THe guy had an original set, not a copy, and wanted 450 for it. I spent nearly an hour talking him down to 300 and a trade, and when i pulled out my wallet, I had only 200 on me. He was FURIOUS, and needless to say, I didn't get it. I have spent every moment since then wishing with all my might that I had the capital, for I wanted that set. Badly.

Well, I told this story to a fellow Pumpkins fan yesterday, and she enlightened me to the glory and the splendor that is www.billy-corgan.com. On that site, Billy has placed the entire boxed set in MP3 format, ready to download, along with several other rare recordings.

I should have been overjoyed. I should have tossed my hands into the air and shouted "hosannah!" and "hallelujah!"

Instead, I was furious.

I couldn't BELIEVE that all this time the elusive Mashed Potatoes set had been so freely and easily available. Something I wanted this badly shouldn't have found it's way to me so easily! It was supposed to be harder to get than this! I worked too hard and worried too much for it to be so easy to get. IT's An ANTI CLIMAX TO THE Nth DEGREE! IT's the most disappointing victory I've ever experienced! Bittersweet and delightfully painful!

But at least I now have the the Pumpkins doing Godzilla live. And that's good.