4.29.2003

Psychics, Fortune Tellers, Horoscopes.
How can ANYONE believe these things?
For example, here's my horoscope for today:


You are likely feeling optimistic and enthusiastic about life today, dear Aquarius. You may also be feeling especially sexy, a feeling you should definitely take advantage of! Why not plan a romantic evening with your loved one? Don't hesitate to talk about your dreams of travel over dinner. You never know, he just might share your dream. Before you know it, the two of you could be winging your way to exotic lands.



It's 24 night.
There are NO romantic dinners on 24 night.
Any competent psychic would know this already.

4.19.2003

(Sung to the tune of "Light My Fire" by the Doors)

Know that I would be untrue
Know that I would be a liar
If i was to say to you
Girl, I'm not a Software Pirate

(chorus)
Yes I am a Software Pirate
Oh, I am a Software Pirate
You know that I'm a Software... PIIIIIRATEEEEE

I like to download illegal warez
Through my DSL Network
Then I hunt for the serial code
To make Photoshop Seven work

Yes I am a Software Pirate
Oh, I am a Software Pirate
You should try being a... PIRATE

------------------------

OK, that is just too absurd to continue with.

4.14.2003

If you have ever played tabletop roleplaying games, you will know what I am talking about here.

In RPG's, when you "roll up" a character, you roll dice to determine the character points you put into various attributes, i.e. strength, wisdom, charisma, etc.

Once that happens, you can select character "attributes" or "defects". Attributes, such as keen hearing or super smell, cost points because they benefit your character, while defects like "weak eyes" or "addicted to cocaine" give you more points since they add harmful qualities to your character.

There is one defect you can choose called "Weirdness Magnet" which causes all kinds of weird things to happen to a character at random times, such as a dolphin puking on the character, or bipedal cows destroying a once fantastic meal, or even a person attempting to hold up a grocery store at 4:00 am while the character is trying to buy cat food and Pantene.

I think when God rolled my character up, he took that defect.

The only thing is, I don't think he used the points he got back on attributes, because I don't seem to have any.

4.08.2003

Remember when you were a kid, they made that playset where you used tinfoil in a car mold to make little makeshift cars, then you put the tinfoil car into the crusher and demolished it?

Those were so cool.

What would be even cooler is if they resurrected that idea, only instead of cars, you could make tinfoil models of celebrities. That way, each time you hear one talking out of the left side of their ass, you could just make a little - say, Fred Durst - and stick him in the crusher. Bye Bye Fred.

4.06.2003

I am about to go and watch a man stand in a phone booth for 2 hours while another man threatens to kill him.

This movie idea is BRILLIANT. Think about how much money they are saving on set design. Hell, the only cost they really have is paying Colin Ferrel his 20 million that he will go spend on having 2 women in bed at once.

What a fantastic country we live in.

4.05.2003

Well, congratulations to the New York Rangers for blowing their chance at the playoffs for a 6th consecutive year.

Honestly, this is sickening. I have 2 Devils fans, a Flyers fan and an Islanders fan that I work with. They have all called me tonight to bug me about this. It's damn annoying.

In other news, keep an eye on ebay for 6 New York Rangers Jerseys, slightly used.

4.04.2003

I hit a turkey on the way to work this morning.

I was driving along, merrily minding my own business, when I came to a stop sign. Right before I came to a complete stop, I noticed a blur out of the passenger side window and heard a "Thump" against the front panel of my car.

Not sure what the hell just happened, I exited my vehicle and went around to check on it.

The beleagured bird was startled by my appearance, gobbled loudly, and kinda lept and flapped down the road for quite a while. I just stood there, dumbfounded by the fact that I just hit a turkey, watching this goofy bird run down the street.

I shook my head, got back in my car, and went to work.

In other words, my life is fucking dull.